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I am a Bad American

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YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid

level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart

American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and

does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in

English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment

than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents

are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of

college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and

where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled

Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,

when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying,

paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years

In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any

witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So,

shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse

Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of

the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're

running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're

breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want

you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world

for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me

crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to

their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two

parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

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Yeah,

I decided to a little research after I posted it, and found that out.

Well, OK guys, this is NOT George Carlin, but it sure is good anyway....

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This is the original.

I should have remembered it, because it started on Free Republic. see Thread I posted on it, it made me laugh.

That was back in September of 20000, and was orignally entitled, I am a bad Republican, in response to a democrat E-mail, "how to be a Good Republican".

Here is the original, I think it lost some of it's flavor when it went around the net, so here is the original in all it's glory.

quote:

I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD Republican.

I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big racks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I am not the real Slim Shady, so I think that IÔÇÖm gonna stay seated right here in this damn comfy chair. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer LopezÔÇÖs toilet gets, IÔÇÖll still want to see it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of is is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesnÔÇÖt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. IÔÇÖve never mourned a dead goldfish. I donÔÇÖt want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to their God or gods, while I pray that the test results come back negative. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Orson Wells, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence makes movies more interesting and Iraqis more dead.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global warming is junk science. IÔÇÖve never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I havenÔÇÖt burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f-up already. South Park still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a PlayStation. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youÔÇÖre running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside.

I worry about dying before I get even.

IÔÇÖve discovered that DVD is better than Laserdisc. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latina midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please donÔÇÖt pretend they are a political statement.

I want to know what the hell is going on when Geena Davis has a sitcom.

I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you donÔÇÖt have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Field of Dreams. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps. Making love is fine, but sometimes I wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I'm a bad Republican. And I vote... even if it rains.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Democrat friend of mine sent me a list of how to be a "good Republican". This was my response.

Peace. I out.

1 Posted on 09/01/2000 23:24:01 PDT by bootyist-monk


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Whoohoo, that's what I am talking about. I was passing through some town on my way to Sequoia national park. Every frickin sign in the stoors windows there was in Spanish, it pissed me off so much. I don't speak Spanish and I live in America, so what the HELL WAS THAT?

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There's a suprise. I'll add this to my "why its cool to think Republican are *******s file".

While it is clever and mildly amusing it masks some really scary thoughts.

This country is getting darker by the minute: ie.. more asian, african, and latin. The world is getting smaller and not everyone looks like the Cleaver family and thats cool.However Aint nothing cool about being a thickheaded, racially insensitive, mysogonistic numb-nutted SOB and thinking that it is proves we live in dangerous times. So I offer in return:

I think Ronald reagan did his finest acting job in his long running show "The Pres". Way better than "Bedtime for Bonzo" I also think he is the father of modern urban gang warfare as most gangbangers are known as Reagan Babies in tha hood. I think that if someone is good enough to cut my grass, his kid should be able to go to school so he dont have to inherit the job.

I beleive that children are the future and should be treasured, especially mine. I believe that funding programs for the needy is cool since the cheap bastard it comes from would never willingly give a dime to charity. I believe that Oswald wasnt alone, that Tawana Brawley was a liar from the start and that Amber Fry is woman of ill repute with children out of wedlock from multiple daddies, and only stepped forward to make herself look good. I beleive that there are too many white sportswriters who practice character assasination on players of color and that the number of writers should be proportionate to the racial balance of the sport they cover. I think Larry Bird had a lot of talent and that Michael Jordan worked just as hard as he did.

I think that there is crying in baseball, if you dont beleive me try being a Cubs fan.

I beleive that people who think the Matrix is a religion are stranger than people who wear their StarFleet uniform to work.

I like Hugh Grant movies. I think Timothy Dalton was underrated as James Bond. I liked the Chronicles of Riddick, thought the Villiage sucked.

I know that when they say white collar crime they mean white skin crime and that sucks ass.

I think Donald Trump is a horses ass..picture the horses' tail and fill in the blank.

I beleive that Jason Giambi admitting to using steroids is a bigger story than Barry Bonds maybe using them; you would too if the roles were reversed.

I beleive that the Robert Blake trial is under reported and the Michael Jackson trial is over reported.

I beleive that while good looking Paris Hilton is the symbol of everything thats wrong with this country and Nicole Ritchie is worse cause she aint that cute.

I beleive John McCain should run for president...soon.

Most of all I think a persons world view cant be crysatlized in one page and that if it is it aint worth a good fart in a stiff wind but what do I know?

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PS I love George Carlin always have but he's checked himself into rehab AGAIN so how coherent is he?

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Guest Remo Williams

I'll say it again, if you don't care for the humor in this forum then don't friging read it. Because whether you think its funny or not it was posted as simple humor for which there are all types for all types of people. The next person to post negative rubbish in a joke topic because he/she don't like the humor is going to take a month or longer vacation.

This is the last warning I'm giving gentlemen on the subject of humor.

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