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The difference between Men and Women


echo
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Recently there has ben a huge debate going on among a bunch of my friends, both married and not married. I figure I can get the best range of thoughts from all of you, if you don't mind....

A married man and his wife fight, she leaves with children, not saying where she is going. The husband leaves and goes to a bar. He meets a woman (girl, lady..whatever). The wife arrives home to find him gone, calls his cell phone, a girl (lady, woman) answers. Wife hangs up and tries again. Same outcome. Wife goes to bed.

Husband comes home after last call, passes out on couch.

Morning comes, wife gets a hold of cell phone only to find womans phone number, not only in address book but as a placed call. Wife also finds over $100.00 of reciepts from bar.

>>>.I would say my friends story but you will all think it's me, so I won't say anything and you'll think it's me.

I have actually been surprised at some of the responses to this. I know I left out some details so I will answer questions.

Is this ok?

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I didnt find anything wrong with the guy's response until this part: "not only in address book but as a placed call. Wife also finds over $100.00 of reciepts from bar."

Although I personally dont think highly of anyone that seeks escape in drugs (alchohol is a drug). But its a common, even stereotyped response.

Meeting a woman in the bar.. not that odd. Dont take me wrong, but women are drawn to men under distress much faster than someone that's having a good time.Maternal instinct ive been told. But there's too many variables in this "meeting" bussiness, not enough info. If it was just a "talk" (specially after a fight), then its no different from talking to the bartender (which may have been a woman anyway).

$100 bill.. sounds like either some heavy drinks and dinner. There's no indication the guy "went out" with that lady.. but thats yet another variable. You said "receipts" ..meaning more than 1... info?

But putting her phone number in the address book, having an outbound call to that number...oy.

THAT is definetely NOT ok. Not under those circumstances, not with that timing.

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There were 3 receipts each for about $50.00, each marked different times in the evening. I too agree that a chat with someone is harmless. I pointed out to people that it's like talking to someone online. I find the phone answering as well as the address book and the placed call an issue. Also if he spent the $ on the person.

Thanks for your input!!

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Do the receipts say what was bought? I can easily think up of a $50 meal and half a dozen drinks that can add up the other money.. cocktails and some bottles of booze can cost up to $40 a piece or more. Especially in a bar, where stuff is overpriced.

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Guest Grayfox

who keeps their receipts??? i generally blow 50-75$ every 2 weeks at the bar on drinks and food, but i never keep my receipts (no tax right off ya know) but with him having a womans number in his address book AND on his cell phone... especially after him and his wife got into a fight... hooo boy... can you say alimony and child support??? i thought you could. hopefully it wont turn out that way... it ended that way with me, but i have the kid and shes paying ME child support... which is cool, she was a gold digger anyway

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I'd say not to worry about it unless the guy tries to deny any of this taking place ($100 tab and ladies #)

If that's the case he's covering something big. If he says yeah he went out and yeah met a woman and yeah had a good time and yeah maybe even kissed her - so long as he didn't sleep with her I believe it's a natural response and should be worked out rather than condemn him for it.

Neither side is truly blameless after all.

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It is also possible, since the girl answered the phone that she was the one that placed the called to her own number. Why? Just to inform a roommate or whatever that she's taking "Joe" home because he's drunk as a skunk and to come "pick me up at his place in 15 minutes."

The point being that there are plenty of completely innocent explanations for the whole evening. As I see it, this couple has only one viable means of salvaging the situation: Grow up and stop acting like selfish teenagers (no offense to the legitimate selfish teenagers around here ). Too many “adults” are stuck somewhere between 14 and 19; that marvelous time of life when you know everything, your way is always right and everyone else be damned (to one degree or another).

Being an adult takes much more than having chest hair or breasts and being 21.

Adults

[*]Take responsibility for their own actions (running off with the kids or soaking one's sorrows are both very responsible reactions right? )

[*]Are willing to give basic respect to everyone and seek to earn greater respect from those around them.

[*]Can respectfully disagree with the opinions of another.

[*]Are willing to trust others and seek to gain the trust of others through their own honesty.

[*]Realize that, while they want to be right all the time, they aren't and so keep an open mind and are willing to change their own point of view.

[*]Most important of all, adults realize that husband + wife != 2 married people but something much much more powerful.

Today those are terrible things for me to say, don't I understand that people's needs are different? Don't I understand that their circumstances might mitigate the situation? Don't I realize that I'm just a damned idealistic old fool and that I need to get with the times? No, what I realize is that our society - the way we each interact with others, especially those closest to us - stinks more often than not and that just like love and peace start at home, so do hate and anger. Unlike hate and anger which take little or no effort to create, love and peace take hard work and effort to build. I also know that the day a person learns this is the day that person starts becoming a true adult.

[ 02-02-2002, 13:27: Message edited by: Tyrn ]

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Wow, Tyrn, that was pretty deep... I am impressed..

I have to go with what he said as well, If the wife got mad and took off with the kids, and he took off to some bar, there is a deeper problem that needs to be worked on. This is NOT adult behavior.

If he took off to a bar and spent $100 on drinks that could have better been spent feeding and clothing his children, well, not very responsible, unless he's LOADED of course. Children ALWAYS come first.

THe mother also needs to learn to deal with her husband on a 1 to 1 basis, and to learn NOT to hide behind her children.

I believe that they BOTH need to grow up a bit, and probably go to some relationship counseling to REALLY see what is going on.

Just my opinion.

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quote:

Originally posted by echo:

Wife also finds over $100.00 of reciepts from bar.


$100 only? I guess he must've been a lightweight and wasn't even trying.

Bet you didn't expect that answer eh Echo?

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Wow!!! I am glad I posted.

I have to give this "woman shouldn't have left" view a bit of thought. I actually have to find out the reason and manner of the departure. It could have been a planned outing. I know she went to the mall with her sister, to buy the kids some stuff. I guess I am stuck on the "hiding behind her children" comment.

The receipts aren't itemized. Depending on the person, mabey that isn't a lot of $$. I quit drinking years ago, I have no clue what a beer costs these days, never mind a mixed drink.

The husband has since admitted being interested in the person he met, but does not remember any exchange of numbers or placing a call. He said he thought of his wife a few times that evening but it wasn't enough to get him to go home. While showing her pictures of his kids, their ages made her ask if he was married. He stated he told the woman he was unhapplily married.

He also told his wife when confronted, "Don't worry Honey, I would never have taken her home"

I agree that marriage is a powerful thing, and need honesty and trust to survive. Seems to me that is what is lacking....

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quote:

Originally posted by Jaguar:

Wow, Tyrn, that was pretty deep... I am impressed..

Thanks, most of that comes from my religious beliefs (LDS), observations of my wife's brothers' and sisters' marriages, along with honest assessments of my own marriage. Boil off the religious trappings, remove the names of the innocent/guilty and there you have it.

I'm still learning the ropes of this adulthood thing myself and, let's face it, growing up is not an easy thing. The reward of having a wife that loves me from my unruly hair down to my sharp toe nails (well maybe she doesn't love those toe nails that much ) and three beautiful children that are excited to see me come home from work each night make the struggle of growing up well worth it.

PS

Echo, hopefully your friend, and his wife, will realize what we've all discussed here and have the nerve to learn to really love each other again.

[ 02-05-2002, 15:05: Message edited by: Tyrn ]

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Echo,

Please don't take that hiding behind her children too much to heart, I have seen women do that a lot, but she may have had that trip planned, so it might not be that way.

My friend has a son, his wife uses the son like a shield, if he wants to talk to her seriously, or they get into a fight, she grabs the kid and takes off, it's pretty sad actually.

My wife and I made an agreement before we got married, that we would NEVER go to sleep angry, if it meant staying up all night arguing, then so be it. We also agreed that if we did get mad at each other in a public place, that we would set it aside and wait until we were in private to have it out. We also NEVER fight in front of the children, EVER!! The girls see us as united, and as a family, they do not need to be involved in any of our disputes, so we wait until they are A: out of the room, or B: safely in bed.

This is an agreement we made out of mutual love and respect, it is amaing the kind of hurtful things that can be said in a public place during any type of argument, for some reason you feel covered so to speak when in public, and will say things that you would not say in private one on one.

Also, we NEVER attack each other with some PAST event, the past is the past, if it was 6 months ago, it's history and doesn't count for the NOW, besides, if we had not discussed that and moved on, then we have a problem.

People are very impressed that my wife and I NEVER fight, I do not bother to tell them that they have NO clue whatsoever, because that is the way we like it. Our arguments are with each other, and NOT for public consumption, and believe it or not, we don't argue all that often.

I am just lucky I guess..

Your friends need to sit down and have a long and hard conversation, they need to figure out where they are going and how they are going to get there. My wife and I have goals, we know what we want, and we are pretty sure how we are going to get there, and when we make a decision, WE make it, and we stick with it.

You must have goals in your marriage, have children, how you are going to raise those children, a house, a job, a car, I mean everything. If I have a decision to make, my wife and I discuss it and we come to a decision TOGETHER, then we stick with that decision.

For instance, we decided that we wanted to move back to Seattle, our house is going on the market on Tuesday and we're MOVING, it has taken us 6 months to get to this point, but we have a goal and we're going to see it through, as a TEAM.

It's hard sometimes, but we are at 9 years of marriage, 12 years of being together, and we are just chugging right along.

A marriage is a team effort, and it takes above all communication, commitment, a lot of love, and a lot of respect. Marriage is HARD work, and if you are going to make it work, you have to WORK at it.

I wish your friends good luck

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quote:

I agree that marriage is a powerful thing, and need honesty and trust to survive. Seems to me that is what is lacking....

Honesty and trust is what love needs; marriage is just one possible consequence of love, although marriage is also potentially independent of love as love is independent of marriage. Loveless marriages (particularly those that emerge from formerly lovely marriages) exist, and they can last a long time despite the unhappiness that it can bring to the couple. This is when circumstance keeps them together, children being the frequent example.

This is not my opinion of the current scenario (I have no opinion on this yet), it's just my general idea of what may be relevant.

[ 02-05-2002, 20:33: Message edited by: Menchise ]

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Dunno about any of you lot, but the few times I've had an argument with my wife then gone to a bar to cool off(we only have a 1 bed apartment - not a lot of room to stay away from each other!). The LAST thing I want to do whilst in the bar is talk to some other woman. All I want to do is cool off, read the paper, watch some sports and get my head together.

Why introduce more confusion to an unsettled situation?

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I knew if I posted here, I would get some great view points!!

Guybert, you would think that wouldn't you. This all happened the night the Pats played in the snow. Most guys in bars I know would much rather football then some girl in the month of January!

Jaguar, I think it's great that you and your wife remind yourselves of your agreement.

I think that mutual love and respect is the key to all of this.

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