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An update on my life.


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I knew they were close to my kids ages.

Don't beat yourself up you are only human. It is hard not to push an issue you feel strongly about or react...belive me..I was tested last weekend by the ex and It took all I had not to react to his behavior....takes time.

hang in there (picture a cat hanging from a branch here)

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It does feel kind of hard the way that shes been accusing me of everything up to and including the bombing of Pearl Harbor has made me kind of hold myself even harder to a perfect standard of behavior and actions that it truly is impossible for me to be flawless. I understand that I probably shouldnt beat myself up over everything as much, because Ive really lost sight of what the real problem is.

I do have my issues, and I do have personal habits and problems that have needed to change, and that felt good changing. The difference between me and my ex-wife is that I have never tried to abandon or run away from the responsibility of a family, or our children. She claims that she doesnÔÇÖt know how she feels about me, all that she knows is that sheÔÇÖs happy for the first time in a long time because she just said ÔÇ£&$%* itÔÇØ and just let the feelings of responsibility, etc. fall off her shoulders, and is just concentrating on things that she wants to do instead of things that she needs to be doing.

Naturally I can handle her feelings towards me changing I believe Im okay with it if she truly has fallen out of love with me. I believe it is more due to her inability to work through issues and moving forward that is responsible for her sudden shift, but thats a matter of opinion I suppose. I still love her, but I cant think of a single time when Ive had less respect for her than I do now.

I look past all her behavior, and I look past all the excuses, and accusations, and denial, and guilt trips, and everything else and all I see is a child. Someone who has been sheltered from responsibility by me for so long, that she simply does not grasp the fact that she is responsible for two young lives and not just in a play with them every now and then way. She is responsible, whether she likes it or not, for providing these children with more than a token amount of attention and support. Maybe thats why Ive acted so stupid sometimes in the past I cant place blame on her for my past actions, because they were my actions and I could have or couldnt have made them by choice. But I believe that frustration towards her immaturity and inability to make things work in a relationship put the worst taste in my mouth.

And it wasnt as if I wasnt willing to try. Sometimes I felt like giving up and when things got so terrible towards the end of our marriage that I feared for the children, was the only time that I was willing to throw in the towel. I was willing to be put through whatever hell she was willing to throw my way the fact that the kids were caught in her crossfire of resentment is what changed it for me. We havent had the kids here full time this year, and so naturally she acted like she wanted them back, wanted a family, and wanted to work things out. As soon as it looked like we were fixing to get that, she got cold feet and ran off to the first person she could think of to give her a fresh start.

It was kind of sick reading through some of their conversations he was willing to leave his family, two kids, wife, and be with my ex-wife (although poetic justice of her behavior would have gotten all the karma kicking in) and told her that he would raise her kids, etc. while abandoning his own. She naturally encouraged him to abandon them, and told him that even if he didnt, she would still be there on the side.

So he had a safety net, and once I took that safety net away, he followed to a T the behavior I had told her in advance of her meeting him he would exhibit if he ever got caught. He cut off communication with my ex-wife within 2 days, he began working things out with his family. He may or may not be sincere. If not, maybe they will end up together and some of that poetic justice will kick in. If he is sincere, then I hope that his heart is in the right place, and their family will be stronger after working through that problem. My ex is still angry about that shes admitted she was wrong but she is angry that her feelings were unrequited basically (as if there were something there to begin with). She basically offered and he accepted a booty call. And she acts like she expected things to be different than what I told her.

Ive given her a safety net for the past couple of months. I still love her, but I dont think I would take her back right now. If she was insistent, I would be insistent on counseling, and other proactive steps towards a relationship. Im not going to accept her just jumping in and out of the picture over the next few years. Shes been acting out like a little child and tells me that its okay, because shes only acting that way towards me. Shes convinced herself that she can act however she want, and abandon whatever responsibility along the way  because she is only separating herself from me. The facts of the kids not being there, and her not seeing them, etc. Im just a convenient excuse for her to drop her responsibility.

Its hard not to TRY and be nice to her it honestly is. I believe that I can deal with her businesslike and firm instead and get more result. I shouldnt be mean, but Im no longer going to play along and go along with her fantasies and the way shes rewritten the events of the past year to support her agenda. Shes so adamant that she doesnt have anything for me and thats good I suppose. But Im no longer going to make excuses for her, and no longer going to cover her responsibilities for her. If she wants a dose of reality I suppose thats what she wants. Her fantasy act and immature behavior arent going anywhere so long as she is still trapped in the notion that she should be able to do whatever she wants without consequence, and someone else will pick up the slack as far as her lack of motherly care.

She knows full well that it was within her power to watch the kids, and be a mother and work things out with me. She had that opportunity and she chose to run away. Ive offered her countless opportunities to reconsider. But shes been working, partying, hanging out with friends, and basically other healthy ways of getting over me. I acted stupid enough the past weekend to give her some actual ammo to throw my way but I cant change that. I cant reach her by being nice, I cant reach her by being the safety net, I cant reach her by constantly bending over backwards to make the kids available.

So I guess I just have to move on, and do what I need to do for the kids and make sure that she has to be there at least financially. I wont stop her from spending time with the kids, and as much as she wants to be there, she can be. But Im no longer going to give her free reign to act foolish and immature. She can do that on her own time, and if she really wants to see what shes lost in life, she can take a long hard look at herself.

And I think that if she looks back and sees how willing I was to work on things, and sees that even though I made some mistakes, my heart was calling out and was in the right place for her to be there for the children, and work on our family issues maybe shell then have the reason and notion to change. Its going to take a miracle at this point for her to accept responsibility. Im tired of her trying to use her body to fake working things out. Im tired of the lies, Im tired of the deceit, and Im honestly tired of everything she has put the kids through throughout our marriage.

It was fully within her power to communicate and express problems that she had, and to work through them. She chose instead to drag them along, and let them out in bursts of crazy. Im through bargaining, Im through compromising myself for her, Im through giving in without seeing results. I may love her but I disrespect her, and she has a lot of growing up to do and accepting responsibility that needs to occur before I ever try and take her seriously again. If shes not willing to work with me, I cant let that deter me. I will compromise where prudent and necessary, but she shouldnt be surprised that I dont compromise to a solution that benefits her while cutting the kids short.

Even though she has treated me like total crap the past couple of months (something that if she looks back on in hindsight will only hurt her in the future dealing with me), she still expects me to cover her responsibility, and do everything that I was doing when trying to work out a relationship with her. She doesnt want a relationship  given. I can accept that without prejudice or malice if thats how she feels. But that choice comes with consequences it doesnt mean that she can just dump the kids on me and not have to work towards providing them a good future. It isnt like its high school where she can jump from guy to guy. Its a serious problem because she has two kids that she just squeezed out and passed off like a football. She hasnt been made to care for them, she hasnt been made to accept any responsibility. Its that reason which I have focused on and it allows me to look through all her defensive mechanisms of arguing, etc. and see her for what she is. A scared child who wasnt ready for the responsibility and wants to lash out at any vestige of that, and revert back to her high school stage.

But thats a matter of opinion. I dont know if I can have much hope for it, but through God, all things are possible. I would ask for those of you here to pray for my ex-wife, and pray that she become aware of her true problems, and her true responsibilities and that she take those into account, instead of her selfish desires. Pray for her to have God brought into her life, and for her to see adversity for what it is not a block to her success but as a stepping stone to becoming a better person. Maybe God will touch her, and she will not have to go through any difficulties but I dont think shes going to learn anything that way.

I ask that you continue to pray for me that I walk the tight path that I must in order to bring this to a successful resolution. I fear that she will see any difficulties in her life as simply problems Im trying to cause, instead of responsibilities she should face anyways. But Im no longer going to be there as her whipping boy so if she wants to face it, she can run to her friends and let them mirror back her irrationality. Or she can turn to herself and see if shes capable of it. As I read earlier in this thread, God never puts before us more than we can handle, and he never shorthand equips us. Whether or not shes ready I cant protect her from it anymore. Shell never grow, and shell never learn anything if shes not faced with RL consequences to her decisions. She seems very interested in arguing and very interested in looking at everything as it MUST be a personal attack against her if it comes out of my mouth. Im tired of that kind of behavior from her and Im pretty tired of dealing with her all together. But Im willing so long as she is and maybe one day shes going to take an honest look at what shes done, instead of a fantasy look. And shell learn something. Heres hoping. Pray for us both, and pray for our children.

Thank you all. So very much those of you who have offered prayers, those of you who have offered advice here on the forums and over the phone, and those of you who enjoy reading my novels God bless, and have a great day.

Sincerely,

-Dan Cooper

a.k.a. $iLk

When I say..."I am a Christian" IÔÇÖm not shouting "I am saved" IÔÇÖm whispering "I was lost" thatÔÇÖs why I chose this way. When I say..."I am a Christian" I donÔÇÖt speak of this with pride. IÔÇÖm confessing that I stumble and need someone to be my guide. When I say..."I am a Christian" IÔÇÖm not bragging of success. IÔÇÖm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt. When I say..."I am a Christian" IÔÇÖm not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are too visible but God believes I am worth it. When I say..."I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain, I have my share of heartaches, which is why I speak HIS name. When I say..."I am a Christian" I do not wish to judge. I have no authority. I only know that I am loved.

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It seems like every now and then I need a reminder... so today my ex contacted me, and I made the offer to let her in on some decisions that were coming up in my life, and for the kid's lives.

I got yelled at and hung up on 3 times... and the last time she had calmed down and listened to what I had to say... then said "I've heard enough" and yelled and hung up on me the last time.

She feels pretty strongly that she is doing the right thing for the kids... and I've been wondering why I've found it so hard to disagree with her. But I suppose that I have to agree, that if she doesn't want to be there for the kids... who am I to make her? If she doesn't want to be, then I'm not doing any service for the kids to make her be.

But still, I had told myself I was going to make decisions, and not leave anything up to her... but I felt a little guilty because I wanted her to have some kind of heads up... and naturally it get's thrown back in my face.

So reminder next time I read this post:

FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS AND LET ALISHA GROW UP ON HER OWN, AND DO WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT SHE DOESN'T OR DOES DO.

If she's intent on doing whatever she wants to do... and lying and everything to do those things... who am I to really fix that?

Anyways, thanks for reading... RL drama brought to you by $iLk inc.

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I hate it that sometimes when I go to bed thinking about everything... and I have a dream where my ex is wanting things to work out for the kids... and everything looks like it's going to be okay, and then I wake up.

The best advice that everyone (including my ex) has given me is to break off contact with her and let her come to grips with everything on her own... which is so hard to do, because even coming from her own mouth, she's going to change "when she's ready", and she's had ample time during and after our marriage to deal with these issues.

I'm hoping that not having much to do with me will give her something else to focus on... because she can't really be happy if she spends all her time blaming for everything instead of looking at her own actions.

She's even told me that no matter how good my advice is, or how much sense it makes, she is not going to listen to it because I'm the one saying it. That's pretty much a direct quote. She told me that I should know better, that she's going to do what she wants, and if she's not wanting to listen, I'm wasting my breath.

Straight from the source... how can I argue? It's just resentment of my own I guess. I resent the fact that at the beginning of this year, she wanted nothing to do with the kids except visitation... and after the custody thing started, for the past 8 months, all I heard was how she wanted to be a good wife, how she wanted to be a good mother, how she wanted to have a family... and as soon as the custody thing was winding down... she started focusing on all the things that she felt at the beginning of this year.

She acts like she finally got the "strength" to get over trying to work things out with me... but if she'd look at how she went about that... basically shoving everything in my face, telling me that she didn't care how I felt, but she was glad that I was hurting, that she'd do nothing but scream and yell when I try talking to her about problems... and if I so much as raise my voice to tell her to calm down... she says "I'm not gonna be talked to like that" and hangs up the phone as if she'd been the better person.

Nothing has been solved in our discussions over the past couple of months... when I thought things had been... she invents a different story about what happened, and finds some way to blame me.

Since I'm going to be the one raising the kids... and she is not in a "working together" mood... I felt that setting up a child support arrangement would be best for both of us, because she wouldn't have to deal with me, and I wouldn't have to deal with her. I may be in a position in the near future where I won't have family close by, and will need daycare, etc. for my kids. I let my ex know that I will need help, and that the kids will need things that she is also responsible for.

She agreed with this assessment the first time we talked about it. But as soon as I mentioned the real possiblity of enacting this... she immediately stated that I was just being lazy, that I make enough money to pay my bills and my family can help with the rest. The only reason I am asking for help from her is because I don't want her to be able to save all her money for a new car and house.

Naturally I'm not asking for help from her because she's the mother of the kids right? My feelings are that if she's going to leave it up to others to raise them... that doesn't mean she gets to shuck off all her responsibility to other people while she goes off on her merry way.

She also makes empty promises towards the kids... when I mentioned that I may be moving at least 3 hours away and not always be 15 minutes down the road... she told me that she would get a job and move close by and would be there for the kids... an empty promise if I ever heard one. She knows she really has no answers, no plans for the future. She's living for the moment right now... and her children are going to pay the price by not having her be there as she should be.

What makes me sick is that she makes this empty promise about wanting to "be there" for the kids... but when I ask for financial help, it isn't about the kids or being there for them... it's only because I "want to keep her from buying nice things for herself."

Self-serving and arrogant. As someone explained it to me today when I mentioned the situation... she is only concerned about one thing... herself. And I will never have a deeper relationship with her than a good time in bed... because she hates responsibility.

And she's not even big enough to admit that. It always comes back to she's only separating herself from me... and that she'll always "be there" for the kids. But she's not going to lift a finger to do it.

I'm still praying for her... but it seems that every time I open up to talk to her, or hear what she has to say... it get's thrown right back in my face, and she acts like she hasn't listened to or heard anything I've said the past couple months.

There comes a point where I have to just let go... and totally just not care anymore I suppose. She's obviously not the right person for me... because even though I believe she loved me... she never held that kind of devotion towards our children. She never had a problem in wanting me to be happy... or a relationship with me... so long as the kids weren't there. In the next few years... if she decides that she's missing out and grows up some... she won't come back with an apology, or even a plan... it'll just be on a whim... and if I dare question it, no doubt I will only be trying to "hurt her" if I don't accept her back at that point.

And yes I've done some pretty crappy things out of spite and anger towards her during our marriage... but a majority of those problems are a year and a half old at this point. They still get thrown in my face every day... and every time that I talk to her, there are things that she'll hold over my head just to try and make me feel bad.

So until she's forgiven, forgotten, and moved on for herself... it's a hopeless cause to ever think that she'd be willing to listen. She's wanting to find someone who doesn't know who she really is... puts up false pretenses on who she is... until they get devoted to her... and then she let's them in on the dirty secret.

It's the same thing that happened to me... it's almost as if she's a Venus fly trap... I guess women are from Venus...

I don't need a relationship with her... I'd settle for a little bit of sanity from her... and less selfishness. But I can want in one hand, and $hit in the other and see which one fills up first.

But I'm still making it... still trying to hold strong. Thanks everyone for listening... and if you have any advice or encouragement to offer... it's always helpful to hear.

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Guest rtoolooze

I think you should focus on you and your kids. You need to think about your happiness. Apparently, she's not concerned about you, only herself. It also sounds like she's feeding on your unhappiness. It makes her feel like she's in control. She might feel different about it if it seemed to her that you were moving on with your life. Right now, she knows she has a safety net to come back to if she needed it. Take that net away and see how she feels. You obviously still have feelings for her, so its gonna be hard.

I feel for you bro. My best friend is married to a woman just like that, and we've had many talks together about it. She leaves him, but alway's comes back when things go to hell, cause she knows she can. And he alway's takes her back.

Anyway, like I said, focus on you and your happiness, cause you will alway's have yourself, if you know what I mean. Be strong and don't let yourself be defeated. Hang in there man.

A friend, Buddy Toolooze

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$ilk the love and commitment you obviously feel for children will see you through this. I have faith and that is the most powerful force in the universe, and as long as you have it too, you will get through this difficult time.

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MORE NEWS:


About 2 months before my ex-wife started her latest actions, I sent in a resume to a company for an IT position with them. I had pretty much forgotten about it until the other day when this company contacted me.

I have an interview scheduled with them in the morning for a Project Manager's position in their Tech Dept.

This job would require me to move to north Alabama however, and is what I tried to discuss with my ex-wife. She told me that she didn't care if I took the kids up there, that she'd still see them on weekends, and that she would get a job up there to be close to them and wouldn't miss out on their childhood.

It kind of made me sick to hear that much flagrant B.S. about that, because currently my ex-wife makes around $1400 a month, has about $200 in bills per month (including gas) and still manages to come out broke at the end of every month. Which is why when I mentioned child support... she acts like she can't afford it. Naturally she can afford a new outfit every day but that's another story.

And it's funny how she says she shouldn't help with the kid's support... so that she can save money for a house and car. She seems more interested in the spending side from what I've seen of her this year.

It's made that many things more clear to me... how she is ignoring reality for the moment... and anything and every move I make is obviously some calculated move to make her life that much more miserable.

But if I get accepted for this job... it would make things that much better and stable for me and the kids... but I still have a soft spot for wanting my ex to spend more time with them... so it's weighed on my decision a lot... until she bascially through her words and actions showed that she didn't really care about the kids... only about enjoying herself.

She does want to spend at least a few hours a week with them... but anything more seems to trouble her greatly. If I tell her she has to leave around 8:30P, she'll leave at 7:30P.

She doesn't make any time hardly for the kids... if something is going on that she'd rather do, she chooses it over the kids. Party, concert, whatever. It's no longer an issue of working things out with her... it's an issue that I am saddened greatly by her loss of reality. She was majorly depressed the entire year... and her way of getting past that was to say "f&*k it" instead of dealing with the problems that were right in front of her.

I mentioned that she might need counseling, drugs, that she might be bi-polar, etc. dozens of times this year. All I ever got in return was her fuming... coming back later and trying to use sex to work things out.

I wasn't buying... so she'd get mad and leave. Sometimes I broke down... only then she'd seem to get even madder.

The most tell-tale sign is that she will freely admit: "I know I have problems I don't need you to point them out!"

When I ask why she never did anything to fix those problems, and why she isn't doing anything now... her answer was this... and it was chilling:

"I never wanted to fix my problems because you were the one who told me to. I don't want to fix them now because I'm not ready and you want me to."

I wish I had a tape recorder running so I could play back her idiocy right back into her ear so she might understand why I'm a teensy bit concerned about her mental stability.

She's convinced that she's on the right track... and she seems happier than she's been all year to be truthful now that she's partying every night, ignoring her responsibilities and shopping and spending all her money.

I suppose her friend's advice of "do what makes you happy" has rubbed off on her. Raising kids and a family obviously never made her happy. Things I have to accept. Reasons I need to move on. If I had not been talking to everyone... reading your advice... I would still be hooked up to her propaganda machine... believing she cared... and believing she was a good person.

Taking a step back, and analyzing the situation... her actions, her words... makes it a lot more clear.

I hope everyone will wish me good luck on the job interview tomorrow... here's hoping this is my lucky break...

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First of all, how did the interview go?

Secondly, RaceÔÇÖs post reminded me of something I would like to share at this point. This may be of help to you now, $ilk, and in the future I hope, and also to all you other Christians who are taking part in or ever read this thread. For those of you who do not believe in God or in spiritual things, you will find most, if not all of what follows very difficult to accept. What I am about to say is not aimed at you, and you do not have to read any of it. Even some of you Christians might find this a little too deep for your liking.

It concerns the spiritual side of the struggles that we face.

The spiritual world is not just out there in the ether somewhere, requiring some special ritual to access, but is inextricably intertwined and interconnected with the physical world. It is here, now, right where you are and always has been. Every situation you face and every choice you make, no matter how mundane, has a spiritual aspect and spiritual as well as physical results on the people around you as well as on yourself, whether you realise it or not.

That is just the introduction to what I have to say Now for the heavy stuff

While I was going through a very difficult time (emotionally and spiritually) as a result of the nervous breakdown I described earlier in this thread, I received a vision/ picture/ whatever you want to call it, which opened my eyes on a few things.

There was a large circular clearing in a forest, which had a small but beautiful hemispherical dome in its centre (maybe five metres in diameter). It shimmered like a pearl, and was guarded by a ring of knights dressed in white, who all looked quite frightened. I knew that this clearing represented my mind. All around the edge of the clearing, i.e. from all directions at once, very fierce-looking soldiers with studded black leather armour and viscous curved swords stepped out from the trees. I knew that these represented demonic forces. They attacked the knights without mercy, and the defenders were slaughtered, dying in horrible ways- they didnÔÇÖt stand a chance. I was getting more and more frightened as I saw all this happening. As the last of the knights fell, one of the black-clad soldiers slashed into the dome with his sword, revealing that it was made of paper, and it collapsed entirely, revealing a large diamond on a transparent stand. Then it was the black-clad soldiersÔÇÖ turn to be terrified as a bright light shone out from the diamond and vaporised them all, leaving only the diamond on itÔÇÖs stand in the middle of the clearing, shining peacefully and beautifully.

I had been deeply hurt and had put up a lot of defences around myself to try and prevent further hurt and keep all my negative impulses at bay, which they were worse than useless at doing. The only thing they did do was prevent GodÔÇÖs light from shining in my life. The moment you gave yourself to Christ, God placed something perfect, powerful and beautiful at the centre of your being- himself. You can either let the light he has given you shine and spread its influence to every area of your life, or let other things get in the way and smother it. The enemyÔÇÖs attacks were powerful and effective and it was very distressing to see my carefully built defences utterly destroyed, but they were in fact just barricades of rubbish that I allowed to accumulate in my life so I could hide behind them, trapping me inside. The attacks or hardships instead of enslaving me, actually purified and freed me from my DIY prison cell. Also the best defence against the enemy is to let GodÔÇÖs light shine through you and throughout you unhindered. This fits in very well with Matthew 5:14-16

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. (NIV)

The last thing the enemy wants is for God to be praised. He wants people to be ungrateful, ignorant and rebellious, the opposite of real praise. So what does ÔÇ£letting your light shine before menÔÇØ mean? It definitely doesnÔÇÖt mean doing everything for show to get people to like you and say how wonderful you are, Jesus rightly called those people hypocrites. It means staying close to God, letting him work in you and really change you, and work through you and use you as a blessing for many people. Never lose sight of the source of your light, though. That is key to everything. In this way, these attacks and trials (in whatever form they come) will purify and strengthen you like a refining fire.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. (Ephesians 6:10-11 (NIV))

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Get that job and keep going.

I know it has been hard for you to let go, but you have to.

Ler her go and find her road, she's lost and the only person that can find her way is her.

Ler her do it, she may need help, but you are not the one to give it. She blames you for something, and is angry at you for her problems, don't take that blame upon yourself. It is her problem.

You just love your children and be there for them.

It will all work out in the end. The light is at the end of the tunnel, it's traveling the darkness of that tunnel that is the hard part.

You'll get there, one foot in front of the other and all that stuff.

Just keep going, it's all you can do, just keep going!!

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Ben, thank you for your spiritual advice, and Jaguar for your common sense advice. I felt a need to call my ex this morning... and mentioned to her my serious concerns that she has been exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder (manic depression). I talked with her for a couple minutes... as soon as I mentioned it, she didn't want to talk, and I told her that I had sent her an email with links to a few websites about the disorder... and for her to take the time to read some of it... but other than that, I was going to base my decisions on life around me and the children, and not whether or not she chose to listen or do something about her current attitude.

She seems to be in the 'mania' stage of bipolar disorder where she believes that everything she is doing is 100% correct and proper and anyone else who disagrees is 100% wrong. She was in the depression stage for a large part of this year... and she's gone from "Everything is my fault" to "Everything is Dan's fault" in the blink of an eye. There was no in-between... no discussions, nothing to hint at her change. It was sudden and startling to me. But I'm concerned about her in a way, that when reality hits... it's not going to be very pretty unless she insulates herself in fantasy very well.

So no, I'm not going to continue badgering her about changing... not going to mention it any longer... I felt like giving her one more chance... one more starting point. Naturally attitude gets shoved right back in my face. And yeah I had another one of those dreams where everything seems to be working out... and I wake up.

That's my own weakness... but it's become less and less of a driving force as time goes on. I've focused on the actions she's taking instead of the words she speaks... and while it doesn't make me hate her... it makes me focus on why I shouldn't love her blindly... because the only thing I have to look forward too until she changes is hurt. But pulling away... and thinking about my kids... and seeing her actions towards them also puts a pang of regret in my heart... even though I can't control her actions... I still have trouble releasing the responsibility of her well being to her... because with me for the past few years, she'd been better off than any time previous. Now she acts as though she preferred the alcoholism and drug use of her family over our marriage... which I'm sure she said out of spite because it didn't work out like she wanted. I could have kept the love going had I not shut myself off... but to what end? She wasn't willing to change... and still is not willing to change.


So that's the gripes about the ex... here's hoping I get past that soon. The interview yesterday morning went fine. I talked to one of the IT guys this morning and he explained to me the system, and the guy that's doing the hiring called me this afternoon and wants me to meet him for breakfast on Wednesday so that he can make an offer as far as salary and have a 'personal' interview. He said they have one more person that they are interviewing, but that he's pretty definite that they are interested in hiring me.

Sadly enough... not sure if I'm going in over my head or not... it's going to be a crash course in a programming language I haven't messed with before in order to do things I've never tried doing except in tiny programs for school... and I've been honest with them about my experience, schooling, etc. And they still seem confident. They said as long as I'm willing to learn, and work hard, that's all that they are interested in at this point knowing my background experience.

The salary that he quoted me this afternoon is something in the $30k+ yearly salary range...

That's more than I've made before... hell currently I'm in a slightly over minimum wage job... so it's probably enough to convince me to move... I'm probably gonna keep my house in south Alabama though because a friend is going to rent it out, and I'll cut all the unneccesary expenses out and it shouldn't be too terrible with only a $385 a month payment, and partial utilities.

I won't know anything definite on the job until next Wednesday... but from everything the guy has told me... he'd hire me on the spot if he could. It's funny how it came out of nowhere... after I had prayed and finally resolved to leave Alisha to her own devices... and to quit focusing energy on her. I've talked to her maybe a couple times in the last two weeks... the first time was a long rant she had about this job... and the second was today where I just tossed her a link to some info I thought she might get something out of reading.

It's all going to depend on me now... my resolve is fixing to be tested, because if I take this job... I'll be leaving her down here... and probably won't have very much contact with her... and she'll have all the time in the world to work on herself. And the kids will be with me... and from what she's told me... she doesn't care about that very much... but she's also complained that she doesn't want to help any financially. As Jag says... I should just keep going.

And as you've told me Ben... I should shield myself with faith... and not rubbish that I tell myself that gets torn through quickly. It's hard to let go... I thought I had... but with decision time coming up... I feel like I'm letting go all over again.

Anyway... continue praying for me if you will... and those who don't pray, wish me luck.

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Sounds like a door being opened to me, but I won't count your chickens just yet. It's strange how things seem to work themselves out as you work things out between yourself and God, or maybe it's not strange at all

You are still in my prayers (not that I'm a great prayer warrior or anything, but every little helps:))

You will get through this, even if this job doesn't turn out to be the one for you.

Later,

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Honestly I hadn't put a lot of stock into the job... but it seems to be unfolding before me. Believe me that I don't know what to expect... although a strong part of me is wanting to quit focusing on moving on and focus my attention on my ex-wife...

Even though the only thing she brings to the table is pain and resentment... for some reason I still feel the need to try and reason with her... because whether she likes it or not... she is being completely unreasonable about everything. Screaming and yelling while I'm trying to discuss a decision with the kids... and then screaming and yelling when I make a decision without her.

To make it worse, she's taking psychology right now... so she tries to talk down on my like she's being miss rational, and nothing is wrong with her because she can point out so many things that I am doing as Freud would say...

The fact that she cannot hear my voice without trying to start an argument doesn't help anything. This morning I called her and her answer was a very sarcastic "what do you want?", and I told her that if she was not in a talking mood, why did she answer her phone? If she was willing to answer her phone, she should at least be willing to be a little bit more cordial and willing to give me the benefit of the doubt on what I'm going to say. She got quiet but agreed with what I said... meaning that the next time I do the same thing, she will scream and yell that I'm only avoiding the issue or something.

I can only have the winning argument once... them there's the rules!

But I've discussed everything going on with some close friends... and am caught between decisions... here's hoping that things continue to be made clear for me.

Every time I begin to think I understand the path... my mind starts trying to trail off the path into irrational thoughts sometimes and into decisions that I know are not for the best. It's as though I'm in a struggle of will against what should be, and what I want.

My ex-wife hasn't done herself any favors... she's burning every bridge she comes across just out of spite... and blaming me.

I'm not lying when I say I get blamed for everything, heck just the other day she blamed me for the way her family acts. Says that she was too involved with me, and her dad's drug use, her mom's alcohol abuse, and everything else was tied into her being with me.

All these things were going on WELL before me... both of her parents had extensive criminal backgrounds before she even knew me... but naturally, it's my fault.

So I continue trekking forward... and here's hoping that I make the correct decisions, and follow my guide as I should.

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Breaking News:


Well it's official. My ex-wife has resumed her relationship with the guy from IL. It's not so surprising really... but the way I found out about it was interesting.

I tried calling her, and she hung up. At least she thought she did. I was actually still on the line, and got to listen to her on her other phone talking to this guy. She had been talking to her mother so she said... but I got to listen to everything. Why didn't I hang up? I let that curiosity get the better of me again.

So I found out about it... she denied it of course. Said that I had an overactive imagination. So I called the guy's wife, who confirmed that he was no longer seeking to work things out for his family.

She also informed me that he was planning on moving down to be with my ex-wife... which probably explains her sudden lack of money. She told me that she has bills that she hasn't told me about... that are none of my business, and that I have no reason to know about.

My ex-wife also made veiled threats to disrupt the custody decision in Mississippi, and is attempting to sway me to follow suit. I've told her that I fully intend to seek child support since she is unwilling to give the support our children need, which she basically shrugged off and said "ok."

This guy has told her in the past that he wanted to take care of her children... and he wanted a place in her life... and while I listened to her end of the conversation... the "I love you" and the other sickening things that she was saying... it made me realize exactly why everyone... God included has been leading me to focus on myself and the children.

This guy told my ex-wife he was a Christian... he has proclaimed for his wife that he is now agnostic, because he doesn't agree with the Christian morality any longer. He has no intention of working things out with his wife, and is now on the road to a relationship with my ex... she denied it even after I told her everything I learned from his wife.

Deny, Deny, Deny. She's been sticking to her game well, and sticking to it good. I no longer intend to seek her opinion, or thoughts on anything. Out of revenge? No, out of her actions, and out of her unwillingness to learn from her mistakes.

It felt like I ripped open an old wound... but now that it's scabbed over, I need to quit picking at it. If there is anything that you all here have shown me and taught me... is that my focus towards my children, and my own life are all that matters now. She is on her own path, and while I disagree with it, and see it as the worst thing for the children...

It is her path. Now I have to get back on my path... and live for myself, and live for my children.

Pray for me... pray for my children... and pray for my ex-wife, her "fling" and his family. They all need it just as much as I.

On the bright side of things... finally got loose from all that drama that plagued me throughout the marriage... and my love for her after her actions the previous weeks and tonight especially...

It makes me feel shut off emotionally towards her. Is that a bad thing? I know that a part of me still loves her... but I seem to no longer focus on that right now... I just feel numb. The numb feeling I pray will be replaced by joy and love when I get my children tomorrow.

She's destroyed all trust... maybe beyond repair? One day I'll know. One day I'll have some kind of idea. But I'm going to quit putting myself through the grinder... I honestly have no reason to talk to her. I thought it only fair to inquire about her feelings on the kids, etc... but now that I've seen that it only leads to arguments and despair every time that I talk to her... she doesn't seem to want a part in that.

She likes spending short amounts of time with the children... she doesn't want it to be supervised at my house always... and I suppose that's a reasonable request... I've offered for her visitation tomorrow to take place at my mother's home (assuming mom doesn't mind).

I have a few doubts about the future... is she going to try and fight me for more visitation? Over child support? What is she going to do? What is she going to accomplish besides a terrible situation with the children being fought over just like in her mother and father's custody battles?

I look towards the future... and all I see is the awaiting battlefield that will engulf my children in too damn much drama. She looks only in the moment... and she sees that she's having a damn good time.

Something is wrong with this picture... and her maturity level is showing very clearly... all the "we can work together's" don't mean anything to her when she's holding a grudge. All the things she's been throwing in my face... there is a word for it. Smokescreen. I knew it... I knew there was something else there but I couldn't put my finger on it. A weird trick of fate... (or is it?) allowed me to listen in on her conversation... allowed me to know what was going on.

Maybe it'll turn out like she wants it to... until this guy decides that it's not all it's cracked up to be... or maybe they are meant for each other? Two adorable adulterers in a pod?

It's hard to get the spite out of my words right now... but I'll be praying tonight... and unless something truly dramatic or outstanding happens... I pray that you won't get any more in-depth posts on Alisha. Hopefully "An update on my life Part 2" will find me with my children, with all this behind us for the most part.

Anyone willing to talk (read:listen to me get things off my chest ) to me... I've got a phone and don't mind spending the money to call LD. Grayfox and Scotty, if you guys get the opportunity sometime this week... let me know.

I've got my faith and my kids to hold me over for now. Thanks everyone. God bless.

-Sincerely

Dan Cooper

a.k.a. $iLk

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$iLk,

You're wife has some major issues man.

Like I said, you need to drop everything involving her, and concentrate on your kids.

If she wants to call you, fine, but do not call her.

Do not waste any energy on her, any energy you use on her, is not energy you are saving for you and your children.

The woman is gone, give it up totally, there is absolutely nothing you can do for her, nothing.

She has chosen her road to disaster, let her take it, and learn from it herself.

She will learn that any man that will leave his wife and family for her, is a man that will leave her just as quickly when some other woman catches his fancy. Men like that cannot be trusted, and a lot of women are dumb enough to trust them, I'm sorry, your ex being one of them.

It makes her feel special that he would drop everything just for her, but she is being led down the primrose path, and in the end is going to get smacked. Go ahead and tell her that you think it's a bad idea, but leave it at that. She will figure it out herself, when it backfires on her and leaves her broken and bleeding emotionally.

Because you know who she is going to blame don't you?

You are going to be the loser in this either way, so tell her it's a bad idea, and then let her do whatever it is she is going to do, because once she gets smacked, she is going to blame you. You know it's going to happen.

Just prepare for it yourself, and then move on to creating your new life. When it does happen you will be prepared and not get angry, because you expected it. That's the key, do not let her get to you, it is her last form of control.

These are her choices, let her make them and move on. Do not get angry, do not be depressed about it, she has chosen not to be your problem, do not choose to allow her to be.

Any effect she has on your life, is an effect that you choose to give her. Choose to not give her that power. She wants to be left alone, leave her alone.

I keep repeating myself, I'm sorry about that.

The bottom line is this, the only power she has is what you choose to give her, the only problems she can give you are problems you choose to take on.

Leave her alone, she has made her bed, do not try to share it with her. These are her problems, ler her keep them.

Good Luck Dan, I know it's hard, I know it's probably the hardest thing that you have ever done, but if she is to ever grow up, you have to let her go.

Make no efforts towards her, use that energy for your children and your new job and your new life.

She may come screaming back at you yelling and freaking out about how everything bad in her life is your fault.

You basically tell her, those were your chioices to make, I chose to let you make them without input from me, your problems are not my problems and your shattered life is one of your own making.

I did not do this to you, you did this to yourself, you either choose to get it together, or you choose to ignore something that only you can fix.

She will ignore this right now, so do not say this to her, just flat out ignore her, if she calls fine, but make no efforts towards her, even if you think it's for your children. She must make the efforts herself, you have done enough.

If she wants to see the kids, then let her make the efforts to see them, if it is inconvenient for you for some reason, tell her that, and make her move the timing. You have done enough, it is her turn to make the efforts.

You are not her daddy, you are not her personal whipping post. You are the father of your children, not your ex. Be there for them, not her.

Yes, I am hardcore, and this lady really pisses me off. That is also because I choose to let it get to me. I chose to give you advice though.

No, I am not a Christian, but the more of them that pray for you the better, I will continue to try and do what I think is right, and that is to give you advice on how to deal with this woman.

She is codependent, and you have allowed her to be, time to cut her off and let her drift on her own, and deal with yourself and your kids.

She's blown it, do not let her try and blow it for you.

She only has as much power over you as you choose to give her.

Don't give her any power at all, cut her, totally and completely. If she starts using you as some sort of emotional sponge, be cold and distant, tell her that her problems are not your problems, if she wants to talk to someone, then go talk to her parents, because you only have so much energy and there is none left for her.

Let her go, and keep going, just keep going.

Sorry if this sounded like a lecture, but I really want you get through this with more then you started with, and I don't want to see you slip back. You have made an excellent start, and it's only going to get better, but you need to drop her like the bad luck and energy sucker that she is.

Do not make the effort to call her, let her call you, do not be an emotional sounding board for her, tell her when she can see the kids, do not compromise. You have done enough giving, now move on....

Good Luck my friend!!

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Thanks Jag, everything I needed to hear this morning. I met with her last night at the local Burger King so that she could see the children.

She bought them some Kid's meals and told them "I love you" and kissed them about 500 times. When it was time for her to go, she stood up, half-waved bye to me and just walked out the door.

The kids were sad for a minute... but sadly they've gotten used to it. The way she's acted about everything... I would really rather her sign over all parental rights and just not deal with me at all. It's not healthy for the kids for her to pop in for a few hours every few days, showering them with affection, and then up and leaving for another few days... to repeat again later.

She then blames me that the only reason she does not spend more time is because she's not "allowed" to. It's not because she made choices that place her in a position where she can't be around the kids like she was. She's living at her mother's on a couch... with all kinds of people there, and I have no idea what goes on there... but in the past her mom's was a big alcoholics hangout for parties and stuff. She acts as though I'm being irrational for not wanting the kid's around that... or around her dad's where he just got out of jail for dealing Meth, and has screaming and yelling fits all the time. She has nowhere else to go, she doesn't want to come to my house anymore because she's uncomfortable, and none of my family wants her around... so she blames me for the position she's in.

Funny that you mention the I not call her, she call me thing. This morning my ex tried contacting our lawyer in Mississippi and tried to go against my orders, and my will for the way the trial was to proceed. My lawyer shot her down and told her that if she wanted to fight me, she needed to wait until it got moved back to Alabama. Naturally she called me afterwards... being all polite and telling me that she wanted to talk to me about the kids and "work together". It was hard not to laugh in her face. The only reason she's in such a cooperative mood is because she's now realizing that she can't just take actions without me involving the kids.

She then tried to say that it's only been me causing all the drama throughout this situation, and that she's not done anything wrong. And then much more history was rewritten, with her trying to sell herself as the perfect angel throughout this.

This morning was the first time she called me concerning the kids. Previously, it was always me calling, and every time I was calm, civil, and concerned trying to talk to her. I got talked over, disrespected, yelled at every time. She calls me this morning, and I'm not going to lie, I basically told her that she made her bed lie in it, and that I had no reason to work with her if all she's offering is words and no action. She eventually got pissed off enough to want to hang up... and I don't care. I was cold, callous, and uncaring towards what she was saying. Is that wrong? Is that not the attitude she was showing me the entire time? And while two wrongs don't make a right... isn't this the kind of attitude she's been busting her @ss to cultivate in me the past 3 months?

Why should I open up again, just so she can be disingenuine about her intentions, and continue causing problems in my and the kid's lives? She kicks and throws a fit that she's not getting what she wants... and up until now I've been far too nice. I've taken her every utterance into account... and tried to analyze it myself to see if there was something I could do to make things better... but if there's one thing that I realize, it's that she doesn't want things to get better... all she wants to bring to the table is drama, and B.S.

I've wanted to work together for the kids... but the only time she seemed interested in that was this morning... after realizing she DID in fact have to deal with me concerning them. For her, working together means that I just let her do whatever, and back off totally, and not pay any attention to her actions, or where the kids are, or anything like that.

Is it wrong for me to not really care anymore? Is it wrong for me to just concentrate on me and the kids... tell her to F&*k off, and let her see them on her scheduled visitation of one weekend a month... and quit making all these concessions and compromising myself to go out of my way so that she can see them more?

It's been me making 100% of the effort... and I'm sick and damn tired of being walked over the entire time. She loses sight of the fact that she's screaming and yelling at me to do all these different things that SHE wants... all the while I've offered to do them anyway. The visitation... it's been 100% me having to compromise my time and money and effort to get the kids in a position to see her... and then I get *****ed at because she doesn't like how the visitation goes because she's uncomfortable because I'm not happy and cheerful while she's sitting there playing the "I'm a great happy loving mother" game with the kids.

I want her to be a part of the kid's lives... but not like this. Not where it's doing more harm than good. She makes a big drama fest out of every time she's seeing them... when the only reason she has a chance to see them at all is because I was the one fighting the accusations against her in Mississippi... accusations that I've started paying more attention to lately because of what my son said.

I feel angry... it's not directed at her because of what she's doing with the married guy... it's directed at the harm I see to the kids... that she screams and yells if I even ask her to acknowledge it.

She says she's doing the right thing for her... but she won't tell anyone in her family about it - even though she says her family would support her. She isn't telling them because she knows that no one will agree with what she's doing in her personal relationship, or what she's done, and has been doing concerning the kids.

It's gotten to the point where I don't really want to talk to her... she calls only to vent, and I don't feel that I have anything to offer her other than to vent in return... because I'm tired of putting out all the effort to work together... getting it thrown in my face so often I feel like crap about how she's acting... and then getting it thrown in my face that now that she's gotten around to acting "mature" she faults me for not being willing to discuss things with her.

She doesn't look at her past actions as how they should influence how I see her. Her RECENT past actions have shown me that if there is one concern she has above all others... it's herself and her petty wants.

I pointed out to my mom... it's not right for me to keep her from being involved just because of her relationship. But my mom told me, that's correct... but it's her actions towards the kids over the past year and more that give me plenty of cause to quit being so giving when I'm receiving nothing in return but grief and blame.

It's kind of a case of she's biting the hand that's been feeding her... after we divorced, I didn't turn my back on her, I took her to college, I gave her a place to stay for a short while, I taught her how to drive, I took her to get her driver's license, I fought against these accusations in Mississippi with her... and even after she made the decision to be with this guy and not work things out with the kids... I tried to talk to her about at least working things through where they were concerned... and trying to come up with some kind of plan for her place in the future... only to get yelled at and screamed at and b*tched at because she didn't like the fact that I never accepted her attitude before all this came up... and I'm not accepting it now. And she complains and gripes to have MORE when I don't owe her anything to begin with!

I've been more than compromising... and yeah I've let my feelings for her get in the way of talking about things sometimes... but if she'd back off and look at things in fact instead of fantasy... maybe she'd realize what she had, and how far I was willing to go to help her out even if she was not going to be with me... so long as she worked with me on the kids.

So now that she's making noise that it's time to work together... isn't it a bit late for that? Didn't she make the decision to show her @ss towards me for the past 3 months instead of saying "I've decided to move on, but we can still work together for the kids, is there anything we can discuss concerning them?"

It's scary that I feel righteous in backing off and not giving anything. I've been putting so much of my effort into having things as she wanted, that she's gotten used to it and figures that's the way things need to be. And if she wants to visit with the kids... if she makes that effort, I still want it to be supervised. She accuses me of trying to control her access... I see it as common sense. I don't know what she's going to do with the kids, I don't know if there is anything to those accusations... I don't know a lot of things.

And until I feel comfortable... I can't exactly help it that I don't want her running all over with the kids... considering her actions, and attitude towards me. I don't know what she's going to do.

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I am really shocked at how my advice fit in with your post Dan. I hope that it helped.

The woman is post toasty, time to drop her like the hot potato she is, now, here's another idea for you. It may be a bad one, it may be a good one.

Next time that she wants to visit the kids, tell her that she can see the kids at your parents house. If your mother will allow it and do it, let her supervise the visitation.

You go and use that time without the kids to do something for you, see a movie, perhaps read a book, or just take a walk. You need some you time too, and perhaps your Mom would be willing to help make that happen. You're Mr. Mom, and Mr.Dad now, you're mother would probably be more then willing to help out, question is, would she be willing to put up with your ex?

OK, off to other things now, just wanted to put that little bee in your bonnet and see where it might lead you.

Your Ex has a right to visitation, but on your terms, she has to have supervised visitation, do you have to be that supervisor. Who else do you trust, or did the courts trust to do that supervision? You need to back off from this woman as much as possible, she needs to contact you to see the kids, not vice versa, she needs to contact you to try and deal with the lawyer crap and all that, not you.

Make no more efforts towards her, you have used enough energy, and all she does is suck it up and then blame you, and suck up some more.

You don't need that shit, volunteer nothing as far as she is concerned, she wants something, she has to work around you, not through you.

You're doing great, now keep it up.

You have allowed yourself to take the blame in the past, and you are getting the feel for not taking the blame, it feels weird at first, but once you realize that it is her deal, not yours, it will give you a sense of freedom that you never thought possible.

Her problems are not your problems, her problems are not your fault, her life is not your responsibility.

Point your energy towards your children and you, she does not deserve your energy, your pity, your help, she deserves nothing. When she wants to see the kids, see if you can set it up with your mother so that you will not have to deal with her face to face. It will be hard to leave your kids, but hopefully you can trust whomever you leave in charge to supervise.

You want as little to do with her personally as possible, and the sooner the better. If she calls whining, tell her that if she wants to talk about visiting the kids, you can talk, otherwise, she can go talk to someone who cares.

Coldness, aloofness, be there for you and your kids only, let there be no energy expended for her accept the bare minimum the law allows, literally.

Yeah, I am a cold hearted bastard, but you need as much energy for your kids as possible, and she doesn't deserve any.

I hope that I am somewhat helpful, this codependent behavior is bad for you, and worse on the kids. Volunteer nothing to her, she deserves the bare minimum lawfully required.

Good luck!!

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Just another update...


I had my face-to-face interview with the guy who is interviewing me for the job in Birmingham... and it seemed to have gone well. I was up front about everything that had been going on recently and that there were still some loose ends to tie up, he understood and I also informed him that I was 100% willing to learn what I had to learn and do what I needed to do in order to become an asset to his company. If any of you are wondering if I shot myself in the foot by saying things to him about these things, he and my mother are pretty good friends and he knew a little bit about the situation, so it wasn't that big of a shock to him or anything.

My ex-wife has begun the "we-can-work-together" stage of her behavior, since I have quit bending over backwards, and haven't gone out of my way to contact her, or to make any efforts towards her regarding the kids... she has tried calling, wanting to say hey to the kids... she sent me an email with a "READ receipt confirmation" so that she could keep it in her files I guess because she is intent on preparing to fight me I guess. Here is what she wrote:

quote:

I just wanted to ask how the boys are. its 11:17 and I just called both phones. I would appreciate you calling back to let me talk with them, or at least give me a time to call you. I will talk to you later. If they need anything, just lemme know and I'll get it to you soon.

A week ago whenever I asked for help or anything, or whenever I tried to discuss things with her about and regarding the kids... all that greeted me was screaming and yelling and cries of "You're just lazy I need my money to buy a new car and house!"

Her current "nice" attitude only started when our lawyer told her that she couldn't take any actions against me through her... and when my ex called me that morning, my lawyer beeped in on the other line and let me know what was going on... and my ex wanted to be all nice and everything... but my lawyer told me what she had tried to do.

That's why I reacted to her with... not open hostility, but with a very skeptical and disbelieving attitude. I had been trying to push working together and getting along for the kids for the past 3 months! And she's only wanting to because she couldn't go behind my back and take action without me!

But, I chose to let it get to me. Just like I can choose to concentrate on the kids, and leave her B.S. and drama for what it is. Everyone recognizes her for what she is... and I was blinded for a long time by it. The only way I was able to get over her was by concentrating on the harm that was being brought to the kids by her actions, and her attitude of not caring where the kids ended up... until they end up with me, and all of a sudden she doesn't have a convenient excuse of "They are in Mississippi so I can't be there as a mother." And wants to try and insert herself into the picture only enough to ease her guilty consience.

And Jag, you are correct in some of the assumptions you made about my behavior towards her... without realizing it, I had collapsed my own personal boundaries in order to appease her, and was motivated whenever she threatened or bullied me into taking the actions she wanted... because in order to "keep the peace" I had gotten real used to taking the blame and doing what needed to be done in order to appease her. But appeasing her was only good for the moment... when she wanted a house, I worked my butt off to get a house in the hopes that our relationship would improve... 6 weeks later, it was something else to have drama and screaming fits over.

I've tried to make excuses and pull her along in the hopes that she would mature along the way... and everything would work out in the end. But it didn't work that way... and she has serious issues that were never resolved. She only wants to be involved now that my grandparent's are backing down, and the kids won't be in Mississippi... she feels a little guilty and tries to clear her conscience with her 2 and 3 hours of "Drama with a smile" towards the kids.

The most appropriate advice has been to recognize her for what she is... "bad luck and energy sucker" - I loved that.

That gives me a focus... I hate being angry... I don't want to be... but with everything that has gone on... and there are still things going on that I don't feel I should post about right now... but I have needed someone to talk to... and it feels weird to be backing off the responsibility of my AND her actions.

I've made so many excuses, covered up so many things about her, tried to do the right things... and it drained a ton of my energy... and for her to not even really act like she cares towards the kids... was that expenditure of energy really worth it? I've opened myself up and spread myself too thin for too long.

I need to get back my personal boundaries... get my life in order, get the kids in order, focus on the future, and leave her to what she's chosen. Maybe it'll work out like she want's it to... but she knows that she didn't really take everything into account at this point... and she knows that no one in her family supports her beyond telling her that they love her even though they believe it's a mistake.

But it's not my concern whether or not she learns from it, fails, succeeds, or whatever at this point. She made her choice when we divorced... and just because she wants to "change her mind" every now and again... it makes me sick.

At this point... I should hear something about my new job by Monday at the latest if they decide to hire me. If they don't... I will do what I have to do to make ends meet here.

Here's hoping... and for those of you praying and offering encouragement and advice... I appreciate it. The kids are having a great time... and I am so blessed to have such a loving, stable, drama-free family to help me throughout this time. And my faith has been easier and easier to fall into as the time goes on... and I'm thankful for that. Here's looking towards the future.

Sincerely,

-Dan Cooper

A.K.A. $iLk

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Glad to see things are looking up.

Well, it seems she has long since decided to act like a rebellious child, so you should treat her like one. By that I mean be firm and consistent. There is always room for acts of mercy and kindness, but as far as overlooking her actions is concerned, they should be the exception, rather than the rule. Otherwise she will fail to appreciate (or even understand) them, as she has been doing up until now. I would like to add a little warning:

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (Ephesians 4:26, quoting Psalm 4:4 (NIV))

DonÔÇÖt let anger and resentment build up, they will consume you. Let go of all the negative feelings you have towards her and forgive her in your heart, setting yourself free. This doesnÔÇÖt mean letting her walk all over you, or that she canÔÇÖt hurt you anymore, it just means that the hurt wonÔÇÖt fester into something far worse.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19(NIV)

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Thank you Ben... it's been easy to deal with her concerning the way she's been acting and treating her firmly as I need to.

But there's more that I feel is going on... and I'll send you a PM explaining some of what I've been feeling/thinking about other issues.

Your advice and prayers are as always appreciated... but there are some things that I can't go in to on a public forum atm so I'll send you a PM.

Thanks,

Dan

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Prayer Request

Hello everyone... some things are going on... decisions are being made by me as to the best course to proceed. I still don't feel it is the time to publicly talk about everything that is going on... but a couple of you have received PM's detailing what's been going on in my mind and in my life.

I've got several trusted friends that I've been talking to openly... and giving me advice. I've shared with them my concerns that I haven't been making something out of nothing... and the one thing that's important is that I am going to do what's best for my children first and foremost... and quit putting up with B.S.

Please those of you who are praying for me... I ask that you pray for me to make the right and honest decisions... and not to let anger or paranoia cloud my judgement. I don't believe it has, and I am doing what I'm being told by everyone is the best and right thing to do given the situation... but it's hard to know what to feel when dealing with what I'm dealing with.

While I try to make excuses for my ex and her past actions... there is some reality and logic that I cannot escape. Although it may be difficult... I cannot escape reality that has been thrust upon me... and can no longer make excuses to myself not to take action where my children are concerned.

Maybe something can be done... maybe not. I ask for prayer, for myself, and for my children. God bless you all, and God watch over and guide me for the best for my children.

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You still have my best wishes in what is obviously still a difficult period of your life. It's good to see that you're taking a stand against your ex. You have to remember that you haven't done anything to precipitate this except what you believe is right and just. I agree that you shouldn't hate your ex for her actions, I do feel that it is all right to feel frustrated and confused about why she would do some of the things she has done.

The best thing to do now is just look back with the good memories with fondness, and the bad ones as the past which is done and gone. She's got her own life to live, and she's no longer your responsibility. She had her chance to take your advice and heed it, and instead she threw it back in your face. Thank her for letting you speak your piece, then turn around and walk down the new path life has chosen for you without her. Yes, the lonely road can be lonely sometimes but remember that you have companions on your journey. Your friends will be there to back you up, and your children will be there with you every step of the way. While your ex may be back there in the dust, leave her there. The past belongs in the past. Even if the past was happier than the present. Once we've left it behind we cannot ever get it back.

The hardest life lesson any of us can learn is to recognize we've done all we can, and to let go. As people, we like to cling to that which is comfortable and familiar, even if that hurts us in the end. While it hurts more to start out with, letting go is what helps us the most in the end. It's hard to turn our back on something that we once held most dear, but at times it is the only option available that is in our best interests. No matter what she says, you've done right by yourself and your children. Not even she can take that away from you. Don't let her.

Just remember to stick to your guns, and that there is one thing more important to you than her, and any possibility of resuming a relationship. Your kids should take first priority, and no one is going to blame you for that. Good luck on that job, and congrats on taking a stand when it was most important for you to do so. I probably haven't been the first to say this, and I probably won't be the last. Your ex doesn't deserve someone with the prescence of mind, selflessness and dedication that it is obvious you have. Take heart in the fact that you are a good man who is trying his hardest to do what's best for those he holds most dear. That is the mark of a truly good person.

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Thank you Ben Somerset, for your kind words and support. Though I'm humble enough to admit that I am quite far from perfect, and I haven't always handled her outbursts and acting out towards the kids in the same calm responsible manner always.

But if there is anything that all this has taught me, it has been to get my shit together, get my life in order for the kids, and focus on them. I've spent far too long relying on her to do the right things, when real-world experience always told me differently.

I have always tried to do what was right and just, and even though I was struck with all the recent drama, B.S., and heartache - I have taken it as best I can in stride, and have not made any decisions out of anger or resentment. From the tone of my earliest posts in this topic... anyone could see that I was deeply emotionally affected... but in response I did not just dig myself into a hole and hide... every bit of advice, encouragement, and prayer was used by me to begin forging a better life for my children, with nothing but the best of intentions, and actions.

Other problems have reared their head unexpectedly - but I've still taken them in stride best as I can, although it's a bit more to deal with.

I appreciate advice from those of you I have PM'd on this other subject, and ask everyone else to continue praying for me to make the best decisions, and the right decisions for my children.

God Bless,

Dan

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