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Senator Kerry's Resume


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Hello. My name is John Kerry and I'm running for President, I think.

Please consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resum├®.

Resum├® of JOHN F. KERRY

RESIDENCE(S):

Seven mansions, some in Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

College:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.

Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no post-graduate education and

did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

Military:

I used three minor injuries to get three Purple Hearts and an early

discharge from the military and service in Vietnam after 139 days. I

then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war and

insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and

were baby killers.

I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I?

My book "Vietnam Veterans against the War: The New Soldier," which I

had pulled from print, shows how I truly feel about the military.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S.Congress and have been there ever since. As the voters in

Massachusetts can attest, in my 32 years, not a single piece of

legislation bears my name.

I have no real world experience except for marrying a rich woman and

running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS US SENATOR:

I set the record for the most liberal voting record in the Senate,

exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.

I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting

against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to

admit that I voted for it.

I voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation that came along.

I have no real plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes

significantly if I am elected. I make practically no charitable

contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes

in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.

I voted to cut funding for every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill

in my career as a US Senator.

I ordered the City of Boston to remove an "unsightly" fire hydrant in

front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of

fire.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted

Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as

it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

None.

PERSONAL

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he

will never catch up.

I ride a Serotta bicycle ($6500).

My Gulfstream V Jet ($43,000,000) I call "The Flying Squirrel."

I named my $850,000 42 foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the

"Scaramouche.

I don't own any SUVs but my family does, including one parked at my

Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting,

inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and you had better listen to it and

learn to like it as it reflects our real culture.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004

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Hello. My name is John Kerry and I'm running for President, I think.

Please consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resum├®.

Resum├® of JOHN F. KERRY

RESIDENCE(S):

Seven mansions, some in Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

College:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.

Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no post-graduate education and

did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

Military:

I used three minor injuries to get three Purple Hearts and an early

discharge from the military and service in Vietnam after 139 days. I

then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war and

insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and

were baby killers.

I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I?

My book "Vietnam Veterans against the War: The New Soldier," which I

had pulled from print, shows how I truly feel about the military.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S.Congress and have been there ever since. As the voters in

Massachusetts can attest, in my 32 years, not a single piece of

legislation bears my name.

I have no real world experience except for marrying a rich woman and

running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS US SENATOR:

I set the record for the most liberal voting record in the Senate,

exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.

I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting

against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to

admit that I voted for it.

I voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation that came along.

I have no real plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes

significantly if I am elected. I make practically no charitable

contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes

in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.

I voted to cut funding for every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill

in my career as a US Senator.

I ordered the City of Boston to remove an "unsightly" fire hydrant in

front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of

fire.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted

Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as

it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

None.

PERSONAL

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he

will never catch up.

I ride a Serotta bicycle ($6500).

My Gulfstream V Jet ($43,000,000) I call "The Flying Squirrel."

I named my $850,000 42 foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the

"Scaramouche.

I don't own any SUVs but my family does, including one parked at my

Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting,

inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and you had better listen to it and

learn to like it as it reflects our real culture.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004

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ROFLMAO!! Now, where to find Bush's resume of the same vein, I am sure there is one, we should put them both on here.

Just to be fair....LOL

I have looked all over the net for a good one, but the only one I can find is venomous as I'll get out, I mean just downright pissed off.

Sad, just sad, where's a funny one, not these angry pissed off at the world and the Bush administration.

Liberals have no sense of humor....

Because it's not funny at all.

Besides the fact that 90% of it has been debunked.

I am really disappointed about it too. I REALLY thought that there would be a good and humorous one out there.

[ 07-27-2004, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Jaguar ]

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ROFLMAO!! Now, where to find Bush's resume of the same vein, I am sure there is one, we should put them both on here.

Just to be fair....LOL

I have looked all over the net for a good one, but the only one I can find is venomous as I'll get out, I mean just downright pissed off.

Sad, just sad, where's a funny one, not these angry pissed off at the world and the Bush administration.

Liberals have no sense of humor....

Because it's not funny at all.

Besides the fact that 90% of it has been debunked.

I am really disappointed about it too. I REALLY thought that there would be a good and humorous one out there.

[ 07-27-2004, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Jaguar ]

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quote:

Originally posted by Kartoffel:

If this is supposed to be a joke, maybe it should be in the other forum?

This resume is indeed factual in EVERYTHING that it says, but it is stated in a humorous fashion.

The Bush resume is NOT only NOT factual, it isn't at all humorous.

I really wish that liberals would buy a sense of humor. They are WAY too angry all the time...

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quote:

Originally posted by Kartoffel:

If this is supposed to be a joke, maybe it should be in the other forum?

This resume is indeed factual in EVERYTHING that it says, but it is stated in a humorous fashion.

The Bush resume is NOT only NOT factual, it isn't at all humorous.

I really wish that liberals would buy a sense of humor. They are WAY too angry all the time...

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