Jump to content
3000AD Forums
Sign in to follow this  
Kevin Trotter

Joke of the day

Recommended Posts

A 9 year old boy goes into a drug store. "Excuse me" he says to the cashier, " I'd like a pack of ribbed condoms please" The clerk looks at the young boy" Do you know what these are for little boy?" "Yessir" he replied " They are for protection against sexually transmitted diseases and preganancy prevention during intercourse" "Well" the clerk says looking around" do you know what those ribs do to a woman?" he asks " I dont know about a woman but it sure makes the hair on the back of goat's neck stand on end!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man stopped at a florist shop to pick up roses for his wife.

As the clerk put on the finishing touches, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" asked the first man. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Joanne said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.

I love you,

Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,

Please don't touch the garden. It is there that I have hidden 'the THING'.

I love you, too,

Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, and the CIA visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,

The garden should be dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.

That's all I could do for you from here.

I love you,

Ahmed."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Good one Wolferz!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DOCTOR DAVE

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...............

"Dave, you're a veterinarian."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest DocHoliday

Good one.

I have one for you, you may have heard it.

Five surgeons sit around in the hospital cafeteria discussing their practice. At one point they start discussing which patients they prefer for surgery.

The first surgeon says: "I love to work on librarians. You open them up and everything inside is organized alphabetically. Very neat."

The second one goes: "Yeah, well, try working on an electrician. They have everything color-coded."

The third one goes:"My favourite are accountants. Everthing is neatly numbered!"

The fourth one:"You guys. Every worked on a lawyer?? You open him up, there is no heart, no spine, and the head and the ass are freely interchangeable!"

The last one laughs and adds:"That's nothing. Try performing surgery on an engineer. They are my favourite. They always understand if there is a spare part left after surgery."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three very old fellows were sitting around in the nursing home day room one day when the subject of conversation rolled around to regularity.

The first old fellow, who was seventy, boasted," Every morning at precisely seven o'clock I have a good healthy wizz.

The second old fellow, who was eighty years old boasted," Every morning at precisely eight o'clock , I have a good healthy dump."

The third old fellow, who was fast approaching the century mark, sighed and said, "Every morning at precisely seven I take a good healthy wizz and at eight I have a good healthy dump."

"I just wish I could wake up before ten."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Walmart joke..

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandsons birthday.She doesnt know which one to get so she grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate isstanding there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me,sir.Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "Ma'am,I'm completely blind but if you drop it on the counter.I can tell you everything about it from the sound it makes."

She doesnt believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says "Thats a 6 foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a zebco 404 reel and 10 lb test line.And its on sale for only $20.00."

She says, "Its amazing that you can tell all that by the sound of it dropping on the counter.I'll take it."

As she opens her purse,her credit card drops to the floor."Oh that sounds like a Visa card." he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.At first she is really embarrassed,but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.Being blind he wouldnt know that she was the only person around.

The clerk rings up the sale and says,"That will be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didnt you tell me it was one sale for $20.00?How did you get $34.50?"

He replies,"Yes Ma'am.The rod and reel is $20.00,but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To all those who aren't an aussie may not get this and to all those who are New Zealenders, I mean no offence by this it is just how the joke goes.

One day a cuban, a scotsman, a Australian, and a New Zealender were on a train in the same cubical. the Cuban reaches into his pocket pulls out a cigar, lights it, puffs on it once, and throws it out the window. the other three say "what are you doing they are the best cigars."

The cuban says "My contry is full of them" The scotsman reaches into his pocket and pulls out scotch takes a swig and thows it out the window the others say "What are you doing thats the best stuff." the scotsman say " my country is full of the stuff. The aussie not to be out done grabs the New Zealender and throws him out the window.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not to be racist, but that joke also works with americans and mexicans........(no offence intednded to mexicans.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is a King who has a princess, And there are 3 princes who want to marry her, so the King issues a challange to the 3 princes:

"I play alot of ping pong, and I always lose the balls, so whoever can find the most ping pong balls in 3 months can marry my daughter."

Ok, so they all go off.

Tts been 2 months so the first prince finds alot of balls, and decides to head back early, he gets to the pallace and the King asks him"

Well how many balls did you find?

and the prince says:

255

to be fair the king must wait till the rest of the princes retrun.

2 weeks later the second price come back with 300 ping pong balls, and the first prince leaves.

Finally on the last day the King is very nervous.

The last prince comes back and look awful, his robes are ripped and hes all bloodly and he has a really big slimy thing over his sholder that hes dragging, and the King says

How dare you enter my pallace looking like that, and it dose not look like you have a single ping pong ball!

the prince replies

PING PONG BALLS, I thought you said KING KONGS BALLS.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An owner of a very high class restaurant in a big city had a problem. He had a big holiday weekend coming up, with lots of rich patrons expected at his retaurant who demanded an exquisite dining experience. Trouble was, his extemely gifted piano player had fallen ill and was hospitalized. Now these patrons expected to be serenaded while they ate, drank, and made merry. The owner simply had to find a replacement, but only had a day to do it.

So the owner put a sign out on the street corner , "Piano Player Wanted-Excellent Pay!" and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, when it looked like hope was lost, a man entered the retaurant. The owner looked at him and was shocked. He was a wino, looking bad and smelling worse.

"I'm here about the job," he said.

The owner was about to say "No way," but looking up at the clock, realized it was desperation time, so he led the old wino over to the beautiful concert piano in the corner and let him play.

The owner was stunned to hear the most beautiful song he had ever heard. When the wino was finished, the owner said, "My God! You play beautifully! What was that song called? I have never heard it before."

The wino responded, "It is my own. I call it, 'My Whore of a Mother Ruined My Life, and My Dad was a Deadbeat Loser'" The owner was shocked at the title, but had to admit, the wino was excellent. "Play something else," he said.

He would not have thought it possible, but what the wino played next was even more gorgeous than the last song. Overcome with emotion, the owner said, "That was amazing. You're incredible." Pausing for a second, he then cautiously asked, "What was that one called?"

"'My Wife's Face Looks Like a Baboon's Ass, and She Smells Worse Than One'," said the wino.

The owner replied, "Uh, tell you what. You've got the job, just don't tell any of the patrons tonight the titles of any of your song's, okay?"

The wino agreed. So that night, as expected, the place was packed with high rollers and the wino sat in the dark corner and played. When he had finished his latest piece, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. A very rich, beautiful woman got up, wiped her eyes, and walked over to where the wino was sitting. She had to tell this piano player what a beautiful song that was.

"Excuse me," she began. Just then, she got a good look at the piano player, and her nose was assailed my an awful smell. Stunned at the wino's appearance, she raised her nose in the air and said, "Do you know you look like a rancid pile of dog feces, and smell like the bottom of a cat-litter box?"

The wino looked up at her and smiled. "Know it?! Hell lady, I wrote it!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two Recognition of Achievement Symbols .....

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a great deal of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The! judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×