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Best jokes....


DraconisRex
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What's the best joke you've ever heard? Post 'em here -- just keep it clean....

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Death of an Irishman*

In Ireland, they have this custom -- when a man or woman is dying, he or she can ask anybody any question, and whoever they ask it of, must answer truthfully, or their soul will remain in pergatory forever.

This man was dying, and he had four sons. Three were the handsomist, toughest, strongest bucks you'd ever want to meet, and then there was the fourth son, Phillip, who was weak, puny, ugly.... A nothing.

So, as he lay on his deathbed, he calls in his wife. "Mary?"

"Yes, John?"

"You know I'm dying, and I'm going to ask you 'the question.' I've got to know. Our son, Phillip, is he...my son?"

She smiles at her husband, and says, ever so sweetly, "Yes, John, he is."

And then the man dies.

As she sits on the edge of the bed, she lets out a heavy sigh, and her eyes slowly raise to the heavens. "Whew! I sure am glad he didn't ask about the other three!"

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* Note - this was originally told by Dave Allen on the BBS years ago. You could say it was paraphrased, since I've slept since the original joke was told, so don't scream at me if I didn't quote him exactly...

[ 12-11-2002, 08:57 PM: Message edited by: DraconisRex ]

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My dad is a joke. He's a master of misquotes. And the really sad part is, he does it unintentionally. I think the best one so far is when he tried to say, "You don't have a horse in this race." It came out, "You don't have a dog in this horse." No kidding.

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quote:

Originally posted by Kiran:

My dad is a joke. He's a master of misquotes. And the really sad part is, he does it unintentionally. I think the best one so far is when he tried to say, "You don't have a horse in this race." It came out, "You don't have a dog in this horse." No kidding.

I'm the master of misreading signs... When I was about 9 years old, my Grandma and I were in the back seat, going down I-40 in Amarillo. I glanced out the window, and told my grandma, "Hey, look -- there's The Ridiculous Book Store." She glances up, and dies laughing. It said, "The Religious Book Store."

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Hmm...I once asked my dad, "Why is the sky blue?"

After several days, we were eating at a steakhouse and he answered me. He said, "Why, why is a question man has pondered for centuries. It leads us to a constant struggle for meaning...(I'll save you the whole 20 minute dissertation.) Then, 'is the sky blue?' Yes, Adam, it is." Yep, good ole dad.

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Dave Allen did a short skit I thought was pretty funny...

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A priest stands up at the podium to marry a couple, and he announces before he continues, "We are gathered here today to unite John Ferrell and Rebeca Thompson in holy matrimony. If anyone knows of any reason why this man and this woman should not be wed, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace."

This fellow in the front row hollers out, "I object!"

The priest reaches inside the podium, pulls out a handgun, and shoots him in squarely in the chest. After the gathering quiets down, he stares at them with dark eyes, and says, "Anyone else?"

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ok..heres one from PC Gamer:

The teacher of an Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaning latitude,lomgitude,degress,and minutes, the instructor asked. "Suppose I wold you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees,four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees,15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence a voice volunteered "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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quote:

Originally posted by Unforgiven_Killer:

After a confused silence a voice volunteered "I guess you'd be eating alone."

LMAO -- Why do I find myself thinking that actually happened? I know truth can be stranger (and funnier) than fiction, but...

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OK, I got one, if it is questionable, please feel free to delete it SC.

A couple were driving down the road, arguing about his infedelity. His wife got so angry that she took out a knife, cut off his male member and tossed it out the window.

Following behind them in their pick-up was a man and his twelve year old daughter. The detached male member struck the windshield in front of her, stuck for a few seconds and flew off.

The daughter looks at her dad and says, "Geez dad, what was that?"

The dad, not wanting his daughter to know about such things said" don't worry about it honey, it was just a bug,"

She sits there for a few minutes, thinking, looks at her dad and says, " Geez Dad, for a bug, it sure had a big Di#$!!"

LOL, sorry, crude, but it sure had me laughing this afternoon.

I started a circumcision thread, might as well toss some more stuff in here too!! LOL

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Guest Remo Williams

LOl, good one Jaguar!

Heres one for you all, I'm sure most of you have all ready heard it before. It's called "Before and after marriage".

Before - You take my breath away.

After - I feel like I`m suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.

After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.

After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.

After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.

After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.

After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he`s done...

Before - Don`t Stop.

After - Don`t Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.

After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?

After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.

After - Jeopardy.

Before - It`s like living a dream.

After - It`s a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.

After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.

After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!

After - Doesn`t she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria`s Secret.

After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.

After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.

After - Idle.

Before - He`s lost without me.

After - Why can`t he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.

After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.

After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.

After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.

After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.

After - Bill and Hillary..

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Ok, this was just voted the funniest joke in the UK:

Two friends were out hunting, having a great time. Suddenly, one of them collapses having had a massive heart attack. In a panic his friend phones the emergency services on his mobile phone,

'Help me, I think my friend is dead, we're in the forest and he just collapsed and isn't breathing. What do i do?'

'OK' says the operator 'Calm down, first thing to do is to make sure he really is dead'

She hears a single gunshot over the line, the man comes back on 'OK, now what?'

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quote:

Originally posted by Kiran:

Hmm...I once asked my dad, "Why is the sky blue?"

After several days, we were eating at a steakhouse and he answered me. He said, "Why, why is a question man has pondered for centuries. It leads us to a constant struggle for meaning...(I'll save you the whole 20 minute dissertation.) Then, 'is the sky blue?' Yes, Adam, it is." Yep, good ole dad.

You know, politicians have use the long dissertations for years, to make people forget what their original question was....

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I know this was posted in one the political threades, but my favorite quote was by Sir Winston Churchill.

One of his generals was complaining that MacArthur (or was it Patton?) was taking too long deciding what they were going to do about D-Day.

He told him, "Not to worry, Old Boy. The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives."

Some more quotes:

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Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.

- From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.)

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Bereavement leave is limited to 3 days immediately following the death of the family member and must be scheduled in advance.

- from an employee handbook of a Pittsburgh (Oakland area) hospital.

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The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

- Dean Acheson

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In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea.

- Douglas Adams

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I didn't accept it. I received it.

- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.

- ancient computer saying

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There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

- Jeremy S. Anderson

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You're aware the boy failed my grade school math class, I take it? And not that many years later he's teaching college. Now I ask you: Is that the sorriest indictment of the American educational system you ever heard? [pauses to light cigarette.] No aptitude at all for long division, but never mind. It's him they ask to split the atom. How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me. But then, I suppose it's like the man says, It's not what you know...

- Karl Arbeiter: former teacher of Albert Einstein

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Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.

- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'

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I have no use for adventures. They're nasty disturbing things that make you late for dinner.

- Bilbo Baggins

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Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.

- Mary Bly

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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

- Erma Bombeck

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Guidelines for bureaucrats: 1) When in charge ponder 2) When in trouble delegate 3) When in doubt mumble.

- James H. Boren

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

- Nathaniel Borenstein

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The optimst feels we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist feels he may be right...

- Author Unknown

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My late Mother's favorite joke is actually a visual gag -- just play-act it to get a feel for it...

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This fellow slams on his brakes, and gets out of his car. Then he goes up to a house, and knocks on the door. A woman answers, and he says, "Ma'am, I think I just ran over your cat."

She says, "Oh, what did it look like?"

(Man immitates a terrified cat being squashed by a fast-moving vehicle.)

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Come on guys (and ladies), I know y'all know some good jokes!

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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps . She asks the clerk "May I have 50 Christmas stamps please?"

The clerk says "What denomination?"

The woman says "Oh My God, has it come to this? OK, give me 6 Catholic, 12 protestant, and 32 Baptist".

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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned the history of Christmas. "Christmas Day is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Christmas card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. "And if other kids saw what I did and sent Christmas cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the daylights out of him."

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quote:

Originally posted by Commander Elio Jason:

very nice jokes here.

as for me?

i'll just add this,

"May you live in interesting times!"-Unknown

Actually, that's an ancient Chinese curse -- nothing ever happens to you in uninteresting times.... However....

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