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Ah, this is what this forum has been missing (in my opinion of course) . Anyway, I couldn't resist posting this one to get things started..

"Bill Gates dies, and he decides if he should go to hell or heaven. First, he goes to heaven. The harp music is pretty boring, there's nothing to do, so he takes a peek into hell. In hell, he sees a bar with sexy devil waitresses, live rock music and beer. After much thought, he decides to go to hell. Once he gets to hell, a devil shoves him into a pot and closes the lid. Bill starts pounding on the walls and yelling, "Where's the bar?! Those waiterees?! That rock music?! That beer?!" The devil says, "Bill, that was just the demo!""

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Originally posted by Cruis.In:

its more like wry dry humour eclipse...sheesh.

Exactly, but it's like most jokes some people like em and some don't. Alot of times I make up my own jokes like this that just popped into my head this morning:

Q. What do you call a group of guys going from bar to bar causing destruction and mayhem?

A. Barbarians.

It's not my fault I swear these things just pop in my head for no apparent reason .

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Okay, so these two atoms go to the beach to get some rays. One atom sits up suddenly, concerned and looking around its towel:

"Crap!" says one of the atoms.

"What? What's wrong?" asks the other atom.

"I think I lost an electron" replies the first atom.

"Are you sure?"

"yeah, I'm positive..."


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Some of these are so terrible they're funny.

I'll escalate the situation to a point where it's not even funny anymore. Blerm, this is partially your fault, because you reminded me of some jokes a friend of mine had.


Your mom is so stupid she tried to use substitution to find the definite integral of f(x)=x^2 over the interval 0 to (pi)^(1/3).

Your Mom is so stupid she thought that e^(pi*i) was equal to -2.

Your Mom is so fat, when she walks she sheds vortices so large that modern synoptic-scale models include her as a factor.

your mom is so stupid she thought that the indefinite integral of 4x^3 was x^4.

your mom is so stupid she though that the partial derivative of v = 2xyw^2 + ln x * z/3 + e^(3y) was just: 4xyw + 1/x +

I don't even understand the last two. So there.

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Okay, Okay that's it all gloves are off. Now I have to whip out one of the big guns. This one is for all you Good or Bad joke nay sayers!!

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

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This is a good one. In the ####### spot add your own word.

Anger management... this technique will make you feel better!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an #######!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '#######' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an #######!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '#######' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an #######!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I w rote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first #######, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW #######, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an #######." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ######## to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called ####### #1.


"You're an #######!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"#######, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######."

Then I called ####### #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, #######," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, #######, here's your chance . I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two ######## beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

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Okay here is another big gun!!!

ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How

much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

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Once there was these 3 men in the army, patroling in Iraqi territory. They found this beat up mangled Iraqi laying dead in the ditch on the side of a road. Then a minute later they found a half dead American on the side of the road with blood and guts all over him.

This was his story "Well I seen this Iraqi dude and told him that Saddam was a stupid jerk. He then said Clinton was a stupid jerk too. When we both agreed and were shaking each other's hands we got ran over by a truck."

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Originally posted by Cmdr Chavik:


Originally posted by LostInSpace:

Okay here is another big gun!!!

[sNIP] HORRIBLE Abbot and Costello knockoff [/sNIP]

I have posted the original Abbot and Costello skit.
Yeah,yeah, we all know this is a knock off of the Who's on first routine (which I still listen to from time to time) but it's still funny especially when you can visualize Abbot and Costello doing the routine. I mean common the Word in office, Money comes bundled with windows and Goback this is just classic stuff. I only wish I could unlease the really good stuff but I cannot on this forum because they are rude crude and obnoxious stuff and I'd get kicked off in a heart beat not that some of you wouldn't mind that happening to me .
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  • 2 weeks later...

Thought you guys would get a kick outa this one



For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, but that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


You make the bed.....+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....-1

You leave the toilet seat up.....-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2

(Got the idea? Don't worry, it gets worse....)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

In the snow .....+8

But return with beer.....-5

And no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.....0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5

You pummel it with a six iron.....+10

It's her cat.....-40


You stay by her side the entire party.....0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.....-2

Named Tiffany.....-4

Tiffany is a dancer.....-10

With implants.....-18


You remember her birthday.....0

You buy a card and flowers.....0

You take her out to dinner.....0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10


Go with a pal.....0

The pal is happily married.....+1

The pal is single.....-7

He drives a Ferrari.....-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15


You take her to a movie.....+2

You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

You take her to a movie you hate.....+6

You take her to a movie you like.....-2

It's called Death Cop III.....-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800


She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding.....-10

You reply, "Where?".....-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....-100

Any other response.....-20


When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0

You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100

You have fallen asleep.....-200


You talk.....-100

You don't talk.....-150

You spend time with her......-200

You don't spend time with her.....-500

You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000


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