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Joke of the day 11/11/03

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quote:

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am

putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look

in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity

got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She

closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she

knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why

there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity

and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these

years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under

our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave

in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans

in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these

years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was

unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under

the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and

Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.

However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does

happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your

problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and

made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So

why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty

cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them

for cash."


ROFLMAO!!

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quote:

Originally posted by Jaguar:

quote:

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am

putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look

in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity

got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She

closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she

knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why

there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity

and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these

years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under

our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave

in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans

in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these

years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was

unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under

the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and

Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.

However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does

happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your

problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and

made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So

why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty

cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them

for cash."


ROFLMAO!!


Hey, hey hey now now as a moderator you should know better than that. There is already a Joke of the day thread. I know the jokes are pretty bad there but that doesn't mean you have to avoid it like the plague . (just busting your chops) . Anyway I'd just thought I'd throw in my own political joke here . BTW that was a good one .

George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses.

"Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."

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Guest

quote:

Hey, hey hey now now as a moderator you should know better than that. There is already a Joke of the day thread. I know the jokes are pretty bad there but that doesn't mean you have to avoid it like the plague . (just busting your chops) . Anyway I'd just thought I'd throw in my own political joke here . BTW that was a good one .


You will notice that I dated this one, you will also notice that the Joke of the Day thread is way down there.....

And I wanted the SC to see it first thing, he's under a deadline you know, and I thought he might like some comic relief.

And By the way, I am being very heavy handed with my moderator hat lately!!

That last was just a joke, I would not do that to you!!

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Guest

next joke:

Why I Fired My Secretary. . .

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to

lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a birthday cake... followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----

..na-ked...

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Chelsea Clinton returned home from college.

After dinner that evening Hillary was naturally curious about how things were going at school. Eventually she got around to asking "have you met any nice boys at school?"

Chelsea replied, "oh tons of them mother"

Naturally Hillary asked her daughter, " Are you having sex with any of these boys? Chelsea thought for a moment then began laughing.

" Not according to daddy" she replied,

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quote:

Originally posted by Jaguar:

You will notice that I dated this one, you will also notice that the Joke of the Day thread is way down there.....

And I wanted the SC to see it first thing, he's under a deadline you know, and I thought he might like some comic relief.

And By the way, I am being very heavy handed with my moderator hat lately!!

That last was just a joke, I would not do that to you!!

I know, I know. Like I said just felt like busting some chops . As for SC and his deadline never mind that it's crunch time for him being that the release date is close on hand. And for being heavy handed as a moderater lately you need to do that to keep miscreants like me in our place .

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Once there was these 3 men in the army, patroling in Iraqi territory. They found this beat up mangled Iraqi laying dead in the ditch on the side of a road. Then a minute later they found a half dead American on the side of the road with blood and guts all over him.

This was his story "Well I seen this Iraqi dude and told him that Saddam was a stupid jerk. He then said Clinton was a stupid jerk too. When we both agreed and were shaking each other's hands we got ran over by a truck."

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quote:

Originally posted by Epsilon 5:

Once there was these 3 men in the army, patroling in Iraqi territory. They found this beat up mangled Iraqi laying dead in the ditch on the side of a road. Then a minute later they found a half dead American on the side of the road with blood and guts all over him.

This was his story "Well I seen this Iraqi dude and told him that Saddam was a stupid jerk. He then said Clinton was a stupid jerk too. When we both agreed and were shaking each other's hands we got ran over by a truck."

Okay that's it now I know I'm in the matrix because I'm suffering from massive case of deja-vu. Didn't you post this in the other JOKE OF THE DAY thread mmmmmmmmm.

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quote:

And for being heavy handed as a moderater lately you need to do that to keep miscreants like me in our place .


You're not too bad, but there is a certain Canadian poster, what was his name again?

He's a real loose cannon, and tells some really bad jokes with just awful punchlines, that is gonna get hammered here in a bit!!

And in point of fact of another post that I just did on another topic, I wanted to assure EP5, that what I said here, was indeed a joke.

[ 11-11-2003, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: Jaguar ]

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I get tons in email but this was particularly good. At least I think.

---------------

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim the patient you saved, hung Himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now... How soon can I go home?"

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quote:

Originally posted by LostInSpace:

Okay that's it now I know I'm in the matrix because I'm suffering from massive case of deja-vu. Didn't you post this in the other JOKE OF THE DAY thread mmmmmmmmm.

I did? oh damn. it's still funny, no?

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OK, this is rather amusing, so I will put it in here.

I have been down with the flu for the last couple of days, and have not been hungry at all.

I have been feeling better, but not near 100%.

Anyway, my wife made Roast Beef hash tonight for dinner. I asked for a small portion because I was not sure how my stomach would handle it.

My wife looks at me and says, "is it OK?" "Yeah" I said, "I am just eating slowly."

My 3 year old daughter Lindsey looks me straight in the face, and says, "Daddy, that's not slowly, that's hash."

I nearly died laughing.

Only from the mouths of babes....

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A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No." she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?"

"No." she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated.

"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

"No." she replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing.

At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

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