Leno Quotes

[Rick Gridley]

JAY LENO" Quotables (4/23-4/27/01)

Mon, Apr 30, 2001 01:03 PM PDT

(Mondays-Fridays, 11:35 p.m. - 12:35 a.m. ET on NBC)

After these hundred days in office, President Bush said the biggest misconception about him is that he's anti-environment. He says nothing is further from the truth. He says he loves the environment. Especially the part where you drill through it to find gas and oil.

Now a 24-year-old model is claiming she is pregnant with O.J. Simpson's baby. Good luck proving his DNA matches, we tried that once. Let me know how that works out.

Speaking of New Jersey, it seems female inmates in New Jersey are answering the phones and staffing the state's tourist hotline. It's true, they get fifty-eight cents an hour and people call and they tell people what to visit in New Jersey. And for $2.99 a minute they'll tell you what they're going to do to you when you get there.

Did you know this is "National Turn Off Your TV Week" ? In fact, NBC did our part; we aired the XFL Football on Saturday.

Here's something odd -- I'm driving to work today, I go past this store in Hollywood, it had a big sign in front and it said "We sell only name brand patio furniture." Can anybody here name a brand of patio furniture? "Is that a Morelli chair?"

According to tabloids, actor Jack Nicholson recently lost 60 pounds when he broke up with Lara Flynn Boyle.

Eminem is back in the news again. Eminem now says he's going to appear naked in the centerfold of a British magazine. After this, he's really going to have trouble claiming he's black.

Men said in a survey, the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. I don't think optometrists notice a woman's eyes first.

Actually, they came out with a huge report today and the average age of people watching TV shows. You know that's all they do in this business is research TV shows. You know the average age of people who watch "Fraiser?" It's 45. The average age of people who watch "Dateline" is 46 years old. The average age of people watching XFL Football? Trick question, no one has ever watched the XFL Football.

[Rick Gridley]

And Lettermen quotes:

"DAVID LETTERMAN" Quotables (4/23-4/27/01)

Mon, Apr 30, 2001 03:42 PM PDT

"Yesterday was Earth Day, or as George W. Bush refers to it, Sunday."

"George W. Bush celebrated Earth Day by drilling for natural gas in the Rockies."

"Here in New York City yesterday, I saw a rat celebrating Earth Day by drinking from a biodegradable cup."

"Al Gore - you know, this is sad because, remember Al Gore, who was the Vice President for a while? Now he's teaching school up there at Columbia, teaching some kind of journalism class, and guess what. Since the election, the guy's put on 40 pounds. It's gotten so bad, every time he turns around, his ass erases the blackboard."

"Gore got on the scales today and demanded a recount."

"Unlike Clinton, Al Gore is just concerned with getting into his own pants."

"They say that Bill Clinton - you know, former President Bill Clinton, he lives up there in Chappaqua, about twenty minutes from New York City - they say that every night now, they see him sitting alone in a Westchester bar. I'm telling you, ladies and gentlemen, it's like I have a twin."

"It's funny, isn't it, how things change. One day you're the President of the United States, and the next day, you're buying a beer for the hooker at the end of the bar. No, wait a minute, I'm sorry, Clinton did that when he was President."

"You remember President Clinton? Bill? 'Bubba'? He and his wife, our senator, got themselves a house up in Chappaqua, and she's down there in Washington doing whatever, you know, they do. And as a result, Bill, he's got nothing to do, so we're hearing stories now that he goes every night to this bar, like a neighborhood bar, and it's starting to get a little strange. Last night, he went in because it was so warm, and he asked the bartender, he said, 'I would like something cold,' and the bartender said, 'Well, then go home to Hillary." '

"President Clinton, he and his wife, Senator Clinton, bought a house not far from here, like twenty minutes up the road in a town called Chappaqua...And listen to this, they're saying he's got nothing to do, Bill Clinton. So every night, he goes to a bar there in Chappaqua. And Clinton says he really enjoys spending time in the bar because the more he drinks, every woman starts to look like Paula Jones."

"Hey, you know what Monday is? It's the first 100 days of the George W. Bush administration...He's accomplished a lot of things in those 100 days, let's run them down now: he nicknamed everyone in Congress, and he had Billy Crystal to the White House for dinner."

"It's interesting to see how George W. runs his White House versus how 'Bubba' was running his White House. And you wouldn't even think of something like this, but George W. Bush is changing the policy: no longer on Air Force One flights will they show movies with sex scenes in them. I would have never thought of that, you know. They made the change because recently on a flight during 'Tomcats,' Dick Cheney had another heart attack."

"President George W. Bush is going to sell sophisticated weapons to Taiwan. Geez, I hope this doesn't screw up our warm relationship with China."

"The Republicans are complaining now that Bush has put too many women in his administration...But to be fair, nobody has put women in more positions than Clinton."

"Continental Airlines is being sued by a family because they had a dead guy on the plane and put him right next to the family...See, here's what happened: the dead guy used his frequent flyer miles to upgrade from cargo."

"A lady is suing Continental Airlines because she took a flight...The whole time she had to sit next to a dead guy; on an airplane, sitting next to a dead guy for the entire flight. Here in New York City, we call that a subway ride."

"Other passengers thought something was funny because this was the only guy to remain seated when the flight attendant said, 'Please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop." '

"It was so hot today in New York City, earlier, Puff Daddy shot up a Ben and Jerry's."

"It was so hot, Puff Daddy changed his name from P. Diddy to P. Sweaty."

"It was so hot today, my cab driver was stir-frying vegetables in his turban."

"It was so hot today, my cab driver wasn't wearing a turban. He was wearing a bag of party ice."

"The Supreme Court now says - and I think this is a pretty good idea - that you can be arrested and incarcerated for minor traffic offenses. For example, here in New York City, you know what that means? It now means you can get ticketed for hit-and-run."

[Menchise]

Since we're quoting more than just Leno now, here is a BC3K joke I wrote in the forum two years ago, or at least an approximation (I don't remember the exact wording).

"There has been some talk recently about how the spaceship in Battlecruiser 3000AD looks very similar to the Battlestar Galactica from the TV series of the same name. What some people don't realize is that there are other similarities between BC3K and Galactica.

For example:

Battlestar Galactica: Searching for Earth.

BC3K: Searching for bugs.

Battlestar Galactica: A race of robots.

BC3K: A cast of voice actors.

Battlestar Galactica: Axed after one season.

BC3K: Re-released after one season of axes.

Battlestar Galactica: Cylons.

BC3K: Eleven stupid names."

For the commanders who prefer not to joke about BC3K, here is something for you too.

"The release date for Freelancer has been pushed back AGAIN. It is now scheduled for January 2002. If this keeps up, Chris Roberts will be making his next game from a nursing home."

"You know, the way his games are being delayed, maybe Chris Roberts could be a good film director after all. He's becoming more and more like Stanley Kubrick every day."

[Emmett.hendrick]

I miss Leno and the like we used to get NBC over here but our cable supplier decided to get rid of it, I miss the dialogue that would be on nightly(can't say I understood all of it) but it was a good wind down after a long day