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for Whiners and Flamers


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Here's one for you! (sorry if it's too long)

quote:

It seems that before I launch into this letter, I should tell you that one can predict on empirical grounds that quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "anthropomorphization" Mr. Shirley A. Jackass will generate alienation and withdrawal. Let us note first of all that we must find more constructive contexts in which to work toward resolving conflicts in such as way that there is nothing he can do about it except learn to live with the fait accompli. But you knew that already. So let me add that he says that he would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform an odious act. What he means by this, of course, is that he wants free reign to play the blame game. Several things he has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of his that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how he defends the real needs of the working class.

Too many emotions to count raced through my mind when I first realized that Shirley maintains that black is white and night is day. Perhaps it would be best for him to awaken from his delusional narcoleptic fantasyland and observe that his reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth, but only benighted answers, cuckoo resolutions to conflicts. My next point of order is that if I said that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel, I'd be a liar. But I'd be being thoroughly honest if I said that Shirley's catch-phrases have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together -- life! Shirley likes to imply that the Earth is flat. This is what his treatises amount to, although, of course, they're daubed over with the viscid slobber of supercilious drivel devised by his apple-polishers and mindlessly multiplied by vile crooks. The objection may still be raised that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to his judgemental prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. At first glance, this sounds almost believable. Yet the following must be borne in mind: We should agree on definitions before saying anything further about his shallow convictions. For starters, let's say that "expansionism" is "that which makes Shirley yearn to demand that Earth submit to the dominion of the worst types of prissy, simple-minded calumniators there are." Help me build a world overflowing with compassion and tolerance. Join your hands with mine in this, the greatest cause of our time.


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LOL, it's the greatest cause of our time!

Here's two of my favorite ones:

(I only included the first paragraph of each, for space.)

quote:

I can only hope the readers of this letter are as outraged as I am at Lord Fabio S. A. Dumbass. Let's get down to brass tacks: One of the great mysteries of modern life is, Why can't we all just get along? Well, if I knew that, I'd be in Stockholm picking up my prize and a sizable check. To Hell with him! One of his compeers once said, "The Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt acquire public acceptance of Fabio's bitter orations"." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to address the real issues faced by mankind have no right to complain when he and his myrmidons do everything possible to keep grumpy troglodytes abhorrent and crazy. Verily, Fabio's statements such as "There is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids" indicate that we're not all looking at the same set of facts. Fortunately, these facts are easily verifiable with a trip to the library by any open and honest individual. The only weapons Fabio has in his intellectual arsenal are book burning, brainwashing, and intimidation. That's all he has, and he knows it.

quote:

Do you ever wake up in the morning thinking, "Fabio S. A. Dumbass, Esq.'s ability to take advantage of human fallibility to remove society's moral barriers and allow perversion to prosper is astounding?" Well, so do I. But first, I'm going to jump ahead a bit and talk in general terms about how this is nothing new. Then, I'll back up and fill in some of the details. Okay, so to start with the general stuff, my general thesis is that if Fabio's compeers had even an ounce of integrity, they would increase awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences. I'll talk a lot more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: In public, he vehemently inveighs against corruption and sin. But when nobody's looking, he never fails to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. As one commentator put it, Fabio believes that homophobic chiselers are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one.

Hmm.... There was a really funny one, that went along the lines of his personal secret agents running and cowering, when the truth was revealed or something like that.

I'll end with one last one:

(RP)

Galcom Communications Link........Active

Insurgent Communications Link.....Active

Frontier Communications Link......Error...

Intercorp Communications Link.....Active

Intependent Communications Link...Active

To: All

From: John Doe


Because of Spectre Fleet's attitude, I usually don't respond to its values, but this time I'll make an exception. If you disagree with my claim that it is irresponsible to accept everything at face value, then read no further. Spectre Fleet's insinuations are popular among unrealistic, ungrateful mystics, but that doesn't mean the rest of us have to accept them. We must encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish. If we don't, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that if one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that Spectre Fleet's remarks are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they're utterly amateurish, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren't enough, it is no accident that I myself honestly would have expected Spectre Fleet to at least listen to my side of the story -- and Spectre Fleet knows it.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community if Spectre Fleet's tracts weren't parroted by so many libidinous profiteers, and deep down in our bones, we all know why. Spectre Fleet presents itself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. It is eloquent in its denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors noxious, chauvinistic anthropophagi. And here we have the ultimate irony, because it accuses me of being narrow-minded. Does it maintain I'm narrow-minded because I refuse to accept its claim that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do? If so, then I guess I'm as narrow-minded as I could possibly be. Finally, whatever your thoughts or feelings about Spectre Fleet are, I urge you to help me do what needs to be done.


......Complete. Success!!!.....

......End Communications Link...

(/RP)

Hehehe.....

[ 10-15-2001: Message edited by: Cmdr Nova ]

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You're going to love this one. I couldn't believe it was a random generation, so I saved it and generated it again, and then once more. The others were all different, so there isn't any hard-coding here.

quote:

My complaint about Pres. Bill J Clinton

Some of my colleagues recommended that I write a letter about how a stockpile of Pres. Bill J Clinton quotes favoring conformism could fill a junkyard. This is that letter. Read on, gentle reader, and hear what I have to say. Pres. Bill J Clinton keeps trying to turn back the clock and repeal all the civil rights and anti-discrimination legislation now on the books. And if we don't remain eternally vigilant, he will certainly succeed. No one that I speak with or correspond with is happy about this situation. Of course, I don't speak or correspond with hate-filled savages, Pres. Clinton's acolytes, or anyone else who fails to realize that I'm sticking out my neck a bit in talking about Pres. Clinton's personal attacks. It's quite likely he will try to retaliate against me for my telling you that if you can go more than a minute without hearing him talk about vandalism, you're either deaf, dumb, or in a serious case of denial. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that many people are incredulous when I tell them that Pres. Clinton intends to use our weaknesses to his advantage. "How could Pres. Clinton be so uncivilized?", they ask me. "It doesn't seem possible." Well, it is surely possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Pres. Clinton plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that he has two imperatives. The first is to reap a whirlwind of destroyed marriages, damaged children, and, quite possibly, a globe-wide expression of incurable sexually transmitted diseases. The second imperative is to cause pain and injury to those who don't deserve it. When I first heard about his objectives, I dismissed them as merely manipulative. But when I later learned that Pres. Clinton wants me to play right into the hands of directionless, execrable fastidious-types, I realized that Pres. Clinton should judge not, lest he be judged. (Actually, what I take much more seriously than mawkish proponents of jujuism are the worst types of irritating, crafty dolts there are, but that's not important now.)

I predict that any day now, people will generally agree that there will be public outrage if he tries to permit condescending utopians to rise to positions of leadership and authority. This is a prediction that will not be true in all cases, but it is expected to become more common as time passes. While this country still has far to go before people are truly judged on the content of their character, his reasoning is circular and therefore invalid. In other words, he always begins an argument with his conclusion (e.g., that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues) and therefore -- not surprisingly -- he always arrives at that very conclusion.

I'm sure you get my point here. Pres. Clinton is bad enough when he's alone, but he is even worse when he's joined by appalling, vapid smut peddlers. Maybe he has a reason for acting the way he does, but I doubt it. He needs to internalize the external truth that we are in trouble when hitherto reputable people teach indecent concepts to children. We can therefore extrapolate that his subliminal psywar campaigns are not an abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, he wants to silence critical debate and squelch creative brainstorming. Who does he think he is? I mean, his slurs are attributable to an ignorance born of fear. And let me tell you, he might destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system when you least expect it. What are we to do then? Place blinders over our eyes and hope we don't see the horrible outcome? As everyone knows, Pres. Clinton neglects the impact that selfishness has on the soul. What you might not know, however, is that he thinks that he understands the difference between civilization and savagery. However, I will renew my resolve to replace today's chaos and lack of vision with order and a supreme sense of purpose. All in all, he is laughing up his sleeve at us. That said, let me continue. This letter has gone on far too long, in my opinion, and probably yours as well. So let me end it by saying merely that Pres. Bill J Clinton is unequivocally possessed by the devil.

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it's about the title... do that for any name with the Pres. Title and you'll have something similar.

for each different tile you have a different type of complaint.

quote:

My complaint about Capt. Bill Wacko

I feel obligated to say something about Capt. Bill Wacko, because, as the Talmud says, "Silence is akin to assent." The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: Birdbrained, complacent oafs (like Capt. Wacko) are not born -- they are excreted. However unsavory that metaphor may be, Capt. Wacko is absolutely determined to believe that he never engages in offensive, recalcitrant, or detestable politics, and he's not about to let facts or reason get in his way. He is trying to brainwash us. He wants us to believe that it's villainous to declare a truce with him and commence a dialogue; that's boring; that's not cool. You know what I think of that, don't you? I think that some of the facts I'm about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, as that last sentence suggests, if Capt. Wacko can't be reasoned out of his prejudices, he must be laughed out of them. If Capt. Wacko can't be argued out of his selfishness, he must be shamed out of it.

Rhetoric aside, when you tell Capt. Wacko's representatives that it is of paramount importance not to let Capt. Wacko's secret police revive the ruinous excess of a bygone era to bounce and blow amidst the ruinous excess of the present era, they begin to get fidgety, and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival. Don't give Capt. Wacko's equivocations a credibility they don't deserve.

The account I have just given of Capt. Wacko's philippics indisputably shows that vandalism, death threats, and slander are typical tactics used by his forces. And if that seems like a modest claim, I disagree. It's the most radical claim of all. I would very much like to see Capt. Wacko crawl back under the rock he slithered out from. Am I saying that I will renew my resolve to suggest the kind of politics and policies that are needed to restore good sense to this important debate? Yes. That Capt. Wacko's ideas do not hold under close moral scrutiny? Maybe. That when his ventures are challenged, Capt. Wacko stages an outpouring of phony emotion in order to look good to the public? Definitely. So you see, investigators who have spent many years attempting to penetrate the dark recesses of Capt. Bill Wacko's wretched underworld frequently conclude that I would like to register my strong objection to Capt. Wacko's bromides.


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SPIFFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Officer Jo J Billy Bob III's artifices require a two-part response: first, a clarification of the prognosis implied by my previous letter; and second, a commentary on Billy Bob's own prognoses. You see, I indeed believe that it's time for Billy Bob to grow up. And because of that belief, I'm going to throw politeness and inoffensiveness to the winds. In this letter, I'm going to be as rude and crude as I know how, to reinforce the point that Billy Bob's philippics are based on a denial of reality, on the substitution of a deliberately falsified picture of the world in place of reality. And this dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us eventually.

There is no such thing as evil in the abstract. It exists only in the evil deeds of evil people like Billy Bob. Nevertheless, there are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and Billy Bob doing some deluded thing every few weeks. As that last sentence suggests, if he is victorious in his quest to sully my reputation, then his crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity. I stand foursquare in defense of liberty, freedom of speech, and the right to criticize illiterate nymphomaniacs. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that individual worth is defined by race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin, then there is indubitably no hope for you. We'd all be in grave danger if Billy Bob continued to engage in his soporific behavior.

While self-justification may motivate self-serving saboteurs, the same proposed social programs also work well for nugatory, recalcitrant vagabonds. I, not being one of the many deplorable fanatics of this world, have no idea why he makes such a big fuss over commercialism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved -- issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that far too many people tolerate Billy Bob's methods of interpretation as long as they're presented in small, seemingly harmless doses. What these people fail to realize, however, is that Billy Bob's platitudes always follow the same pattern. He puts the desired twist on the actual facts, ignores inconvenient facts, and invents as many new "facts" as necessary to convince us that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. I thought it couldn't be done, but, once again, Billy Bob's sentiments have sunk to a new low. Billy Bob wants to destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Billy Bob's gossamer grasp of reality. As a parting thought, remember that Officer Jo J Billy Bob III has done inestimable damage to everything around him.

Like?

[ 10-16-2001: Message edited by: demolition ]

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