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An update on my life.

Guest $iLk

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Hi everyone. I have been lurking here abouts for a while now and haven't posted much. Truth be told I've got a lot of Drama and BS going on in my RL.

An internet forum is not really the place for me to go into details, but from a custody dispute over my children, where me and my ex-wife were working together, to the fact that she has now started a romance with a married man and thrown all concern for our children out the window, I've been placed in a situation where I am the primary responsible party for my children.

Take heart that I am up to the responsibility, and I love my children very much and am willing to do everything for them. But with my ex-wife's sudden hatred of me since she has a new relationship, things have been made shaky at home, and I have recently gotten over a deep period of depression.

The only time that my ex-wife calls, is to b*tch and moan and complain that I am the one who is responsible for everything that is wrong with her life, I am a terrible person, and she hates the sound of my voice, the look of me, etc.

Of course, things kind of came out of nowhere for me. One moment we were the best of friends even though we had a shaky marriage, and now that she has found this adulterous relationship, she acts as though she hates me and tells me she was only using my kindness to get what she wants.

So things kind of came out of nowhere, but the more that I come to grips and the happier I start to seem, the more she drops off her ego trip and just rants and raves at how I shouldn't be happy and that everything is my fault.

So I've resolved not to have anything more to do with her except where the kids are concerned, and not talking to her until she comes to grips with what ails her. She has even gone so far as arguments that we had back in the year 2000 picking up where she left off telling me that she was right, etc.

It's like she never let anything go, and now seeks to drive everything at me, just like she did when I divorced her. I thought she had gotten past it, but she is acting rather psychotic right about now.

Making things worse, she has toyed with my emotions telling me that she's sorry and she wants to work things out for our kids, only to call 3 hours later and say that she made it up just to get what she wanted.

So I've been confused, depressed, etc.

One thing I did do that she hates me for, I spilled the details of their relationship to this guy's wife, and now he is in the crapper.

She blames me for hurting this guy, but I feel I did the right thing, as this guy was the one who was cheating on his wife and she had a right to know. But according to my ex, my motives were only to hurt her, not to spare this guy's wife the pain of him simply disappearing one day with no idea a problem existed.

The thing was, when I called her to tell her, I wasn't thinking of hurting this guy or my ex-wife. I truly believed that I was helping her, by bringing the problem into the open, I hoped that they would have an opportunity to fix their marriage without a secret relationship dragging them apart. My ex says differently, but I still believe I was right - even though I've had thoughts about whether or not it was my place to 'tattle', the guy's wife told me that she truly appreciated my courage in telling her.

Their family has been in my prayers, as has my ex-wife, as have been my children. I can only hope that things work out for the best of everyone, but it seems kind of hard with everything that has gone on in my life the past couple of years, I'm waiting for my luck to change for the better. Of course the more I change, the better I feel, the worse my ex feels because she likes to see me hurting over this it seems, and when I resolve to take care of our children, she scoffs and tells me that I'm not up to it. Her approval is not required or necessary, I'm going to do it. I think she sees this, and hates me more for coming through everything on my feet, instead of being rooted in depression as she has been over our divorce.

Anyways, this is a place I'm comfortable with in posting my problems, and whether you agree/disagree with what I did, or you are willing to keep me (Dan) and my family in your prayers, or this guy's family in your prayers, I am truly thankful for those of you who do pray, if you would.

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Take it from someone who's gone through what you are going through...

Keep your chin up and take care of your kids. Nothing else matters. My prayers are with you.

And if I can offer one piece of advise...


I spilled the details of their relationship to this guy's wife, and now he is in the crapper.

Don't do anymore of this. The less you are involved with your ex-wife's life, aside from where it involves your kids, the better. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to limit your kid's exposure to this new relationship, but you take care of that by going after custody.

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$ilk you are a strong and spiritual person. That much comes through in your posts. Spindokters suggestion is most appropriate. Any input you have in your ex's life may be interpreted as interest by her. She is clearly unhappy and rather than dealing with her unhappiness she chooses to blame you for it.It seems to me she doesnt feel worthy of happiness , hence the relationship with a married man, which is guaranteed to end badly. Her anger seems like it is directed at you but really comes from some self loathing. You are simply the vessel she chooses to empty it in.

You have already chosen the best path. Be there for your children, be civil to her(no more no less)and though I am sure you would never disparage her in front of the kids, I'll remind you not to anyway. I too believe in the power of prayer, keep at it and I'll keep you in mine.

I know a little about this stuff( I'm supposed to since they pay me to do it), but the answer ultimately will come from within. Lastly, if you are able to, pursue custody of your kids. Your ex's behavior is disturbing to me and bears watching. If you have any question of her being a fit parent or that the kids are being affected by all this, contact the child protective authority in your county immediately. Hang in there $ilk, we are with you.

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Sounds like things are rough, I am sorry to hear that.

It puts my problems into perspective, that is for sure.

You are in my thoughts, and I will hope for the best for you.

I think you did the right thing, but don't do it again, you're ex thinks that by doing this, that she will hurt you, as well as herself.

The best thing to do is ignore it, except when it comes to your kids of course. When it comes to your kids, well, I don't think I have to go into that.

You take care of yourself, and just keep going, that's all you can ever really do, Just keep going.

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Its good to know your still holding strong and being there for your kids. I dont feel you were wrong about telling the guys wife about the relationship. I wouldn't want my kids(if i had any) to be around something like that, what they were doing was wrong.

Your in my thoughts...and prayers buddy.

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Everyone's kind words are truly appreciated. I am making it better than I was two weeks ago, when I was literally having a breakdown over everything.

I haven't been to work in two weeks now because I was taken off the schedule because due to the stress, I have recently had trouble with insomnia, and couldn't sleep more than an hour or two a day. After a few days of that, I was at work and dozed off for 10 min. I was written up. The next day I showed up late because the sleep I did get made me late for work. Told the supervisor what was going on and she took me off the schedule.

I have been keeping busy however working with my family to earn extra money, and working on getting a job where I'll be able to swing watching the kids and working all myself without any input from the ex if she doesn't want to be there. She says she wants to be there for the kids, but I'm not sure with her state of mind what she is really planning with all the deceit she has shown me lately.

My own prayers and the support and strength my family and friends have lent me have brought me a lot farther towards working for the best. I am trying harder every day to be better than I was the day before, and I appreciate truly the kind words and sentiments that my friends here have shown.

Even those of us who end up on opposite sides of political debates . Just because we sometimes disagree doesn't mean that I don't have genuine respect for you and your opinions.

I'm off to go to bed, but thank you all, and keep me in your thoughts as I will keep you in mine when I pray tonight.

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I am not so smart. I had my second child so my first would have a sibling..knowing full well the relationsip was over. Recently divorced I can understand a lot of you problems.

As said before and you well know the kids are what is important. It took my ex a really long time to understand that.

We were never very civil until the last 3 days, so I cannot relate to the friendship thing...but I do know it appears there is a lot of you hurt me, I'll hurt you. Really, why she told you she was dating never mind spilling all the details of his life is odd enough.

Your actions, regardless of the intent was probobly not your best moment either.

I agree that, all that needs to stop.

Just remember, kids are funny. So be extra careful around them. Sometimes they pick up a lot more than what you think they did.

I also understnd your comfort here. This is a good group of people.

Take care! Best wishes!

Remember "I can't rain all of the time" I love that line it's from The Crow.

My have this incredible urger to sing "The Sun Will Come Out Tommorow" hahahahaa sorry I just can't be serious for long periods of time.

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Well, I tried voicing my concerns about our children to my ex-wife today when she stopped by to pick up some stuff. I was pretty cordial and she asked if she could have some computer games and I gave her some she asked for, and asked her if she needed anything else. When she was walking out the door she made as if she wanted to talk, so I told her how I felt, and genuinely asked her what she saw for the children when they came home.

I then voiced my concerns that she says she wants to take care of them, yet she has no place to keep them except at either her mom's (who is a recovering... or less drinking alcoholic) where I don't feel they are very safe, and her grandmother's where her dad lives, who just got out of jail for dealing Crystal Meth and has screaming fits all the time.

I told her that I was willing to take on the full responsibility and that I wanted the best for them, and she threw everything in my face telling me that I was making decisions without her input.

Her only input throughout this has been arguing with me whenever things didn't go her way. I have done my best not to argue, and not to get caught in the trap of words, and when she raises her voice I tell her that if she cannot calm down and discuss things rationally, then I will hang up and we will talk when she is in a better mood... Cue the trademark "I AM BEING CALM!!!".

If she'd sit down and talk instead of wanting to argue about everything, I'd be more inclined to believe she had the maturity to deal with our children without there being the possibility of her having an emotional "episode" around the kids.

She holds a terrible grudge against me for the guy she was having this affair with is now working things out with his family and has broken off contact with her (as far as I know). So she is doubly angry at me, and anything that I say must be from "The Devil" as far as she's concerned.

Seriously, I've been an arse about my share of things in the past, but she is going overboard with her stuff now. And anything I've done in the past should have been in the past, while everything that I possibly ever did is being rolled into this giant snowball that she uses whenever she doesn't like what I have to say.

A typical exchange goes like this:

ME: I'm seriously concerned that the current plan you've talked with me about isn't quite thought through and in the best interests of our children.


ME: I thought we were past this.


ME: This isn't helping anything.

HER: F*@# Y*U!!! Leaves or hangs up phone (whichever is needed

For God's sake we were getting along great a month ago. She just all of a sudden decided that she wanted to spill out resentment towards me because I didn't work things out to her liking. I was a real jerk to her when I first found out about this guy, but even before then she was treating me with the cold shoulder.

I don't have a right to whine or anything if she no longer want's to work things out. In fact I'm more concerned that she works out her own problems and we can get along for the kids.

But as long as she keeps acting overly emotional about everything, she's sabotaging herself. Of course, if she ever read this she'd say I was only telling my side of things. So in the interests of fairness I'll post her side below:

"HE'S AN @$$HOLE!!!"

It's only fair. Thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers, and am making things through one day at a time.

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Thats a good time to get a tape recorder going in case it ever comes to a legal battle...although thats not something anyone wants to think about. And wouldnt be wise to let the wife know you are recording.

Ill pray for ya as well. Both that your wife think clearly/rationally and you continue to have patience in regard to her.

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Thank you Forever Light, and greetings, can't say I've seen you on the forums before, but I haven't been here as much this year as I was the previous 2...

Amazingly I've had more patience than I'd ever thought I would have if put into a situation like this, although she is doing her darndest to wear that patience as thin as she can.

The only good thing to come out of this, I've lost all that extra weight I put on when I was married through all the stress and doing lot's of yard and house work to get over the stress... work up a good sweat every day, as well as playing kickball with my little bro.

Thank you for your prayers, and know that you have my gratitude, as those of you here have been in mine in thanks.

I often pray, even when nothings going on in my life... not as much as I could. But it seems that when things get worse as they can, I am on my knees constantly. I always strive to have a clear concience, and am honest about everything I think I did wrong during the day, and pray for the strength to do better the next time.

I truly appreciate, and it brings me comfort knowing that there are those of you here who care enough to say a few words for me, or to keep me in your thoughts.

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Yes that just goes to show what a type of person your wife is.

Some people are happy with their life the way it is, and are upset when bad things happen to them. Like custody battles.

But the other people are unhappy with the way their life is like your wife. In order for her to be happy she has to do bad things. Hence screwing another womans husband, causing all the drama and so on.

Maybe your wife needs to go to church or something.

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Honestly, I love her to death. I had hoped that this custody issue would be the last of our problems and then we could work at rebuilding a family and live happily ever after, blah blah blah.

The fact is, she began all the drama and acting b*tchy towards me just because this guy talked to her for a while on the internet, reflecting what she wanted to hear back at her.

She then has reacted violently emotionally whenever I try to talk to her as described in ABOVE example.

The same things she has always done, except this time she is fully aware and enjoys the fact that she is causing problems doing it. She knows how I feel about her, and she enjoys the fact that I'm hurting, because she blames me for not working things out with her previously... I don't even need to go into half the psychotic stuff she did to try and MAKE me be with her...

To be honest, I'd love for her to grow up, and take on responsibility, and work things out between ourselves, and see things go that route. But to be even more honest, I don't see that happening at all. I see my plans without her in my life in the future coming together, and while a part of it makes me sad, a part of it gives me hope.

Thank you for remembering me in your prayers everyone, and trust that I am thankful for all of you.

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Originally posted by $iLk:

Thank you for remembering me in your prayers everyone, and trust that I am thankful for all of you. [/QB]

You can count on that (at least from me) for a good while to come. Keep the faith, brother.

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It comes back to a saying that I have always lived by.

"If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

Let it go $iLk, let her go, let her see if she can grow, if she can, then she may come back, but you do not need her problems right now, especially when you have the children to deal with.

You deal with you and your kids, let her deal with herself, because in the end, the only person that can help her, is her.

We are all pulling for you, be strong, you deserve a great life, go and make one, with or without her. But make one without her first, and if she decides to come back, then let it encompass her, do not let her encompass it.

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As always thank you for your advice Jaguar. And thank you Ben for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, and know that it is truly appreciated. I have taken your advice Jaguar, and have decided to do what I have to do for my children, and leave her to her own problems.

I am here for her if she asks for my help... but as long as she doesn't want it there isn't much I can say.

She isn't going to admit that she has a problem (I feel she may need to get therapy or some kind of Prozac or something to be honest). As long as she keeps acting self-destructive and irrationally and overly emotional, I have to keep my children insulated from that. As long as she is willing to come see the children (her visitation has to be at my house for other reasons) and be civil. I don't have a problem. But the moment she starts with the drama, I will politely ask her to leave.

My children are too good to have to go through all this crap... and she should have taken them into account before acting out.

Anyway, thank you all for your support... I can't thank you enough. It truly is appreciated.

And thank you for giving me a place to pool my thoughts and receive honest and caring advice SC. Hopefully once things settle down, I can get back to banter about politics and games and such...

- Dan

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As part of our states requirement for a divorce inolving children you hve to attend a parenting class. It is generally how not to fight in front of the kids class..Anyway they had a perfect saying...

Be Kind

Be Quick

Be Gone

It works even for at home visitation. When my ex comes I leave the room or the house. I say hi and bye and that about covers it.

If we have something to discuss it is via email or voice mail. I never speak to him on the phone unless I am away from the kids, so they never have to listen to it.

For a long time I had my mom at the house when he vsited to avoid contact all together. It worked great.

I don't know if you can use any of that but it may help!

take care!

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I'm glad that I could be of help, I have been in your kids position, except the crazy one was my father, stepfather that is.

It was hard, but the strength that my mother showed pulled us through it.

You are going to have to be your childrens strength through this. Above all, keep all animosity between you and your wife away from them, never speak badly about your ex, it will help you children realize who is the bad guy and who's not. Your wife I am afraid, sounds like she will not have that same self control, but you must, and it sounds like you do.

You will survive this, life is full of tests, if the test doesn't destroy you, it makes you stronger, ready for the next test.

Keep going, you're doing fine!!

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