An update on my life.

[Telson]

For those who aren't christians & may disagree with me Praying then please skip over if you want, but do not post comments against what I have to say as it is my faith, and I believe may help $ilk

$ilk

You are in my prayers,

1 Cor 10:13

3 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

(from New International Version)

Matthew Henry Wrote....

2. God is faithful. Though Satan be a deceiver, God is true. Men may be false, and the world may be false; but God is faithful, and our strength and security are in him. He keepeth his covenant, and will never disappoint the filial hope and trust of his children.

3. He is wise as well as faithful, and will proportion our burden to our strength. He will not suffer us to be tempted above what we are able. He knows what we can bear, and what we can bear up against; and he will, in his wise providence, either proportion our temptations to our strength or make us able to grapple with them. He will take care that we be not overcome, if we rely upon him, and resolve to approve ourselves faithful to him. We need not perplex ourselves with the difficulties in our way when God will take care that they shall not be too great for us to encounter, especially.

(from Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible: New Modern Edition, Electronic Database. Copyright © 1991 by Hendrickson Publishers, Inc.)

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Keep talking to God, even if/when you're angry with him, and he'll keep talking to you. Don't let her ruin that relationship.

May god be with you and your children may His face shine upon your house, may you know His Love ever at your side. May God strengthen you and hold you in these trying times. I pray that your Ex (?) will come into contact with other christians, that she will come into contact with God and that she may start on the journey back to recovery from whatever illness has seized her.

May the Lord bless your children & keep them safe physically, mentally & emotionally and most of all spiritually. May they know / come to know the meaning of his Love.

Amen

________________

Enjoy life, Enjoy ya kids, Enjoy God.

[Guest]

Telson,

None of us are going to comment on your prayer above, I think that it is great that you care enough and have faith in your god enough to share that personal relationship with $iLk.

You will not get that attitude here.

And thanks for doing it.

And no, I am not a Christian, but I am far from being offended, and neither will anyone else be.

At least they had better not be...

[Guest $iLk]

Thank you Telson... (and check your PM)

That verse was very fitting, as I've found that the temptation to fall off the path I have chosen, or to try and take things into my own hands and not trust the good advice that my friends and loved one's have shown me has been great indeed.

It will take every ounce of my being, as it has been the hardest thing I have ever done, to move on. To relinquish the control that my ex-wife has on my life to her own actions. I shall continue to pray for her, and continue to work with her if she is willing for our children.

But for as long as she is on the path she has chosen and does not display the maturity or ability to look out for what's best for the children, I shall do what I must to step up and be the guiding force for them.

Thank you for your prayers, as I am but a stranger to you, yet you take the time to reach out and give good advice (from the best source) to someone in need, and I want you to know I appreciate it...

And get more than 3 posts

I hope that you spend more time with this community, as it's a great group of people.

[Ben Zwycky]

IÔÇÖd just like to echo everything Telson said and add that I know those things from personal experience as well as from the book (IÔÇÖm sure Telson could say the same). IÔÇÖd like to share with you some personal experiences and lessons IÔÇÖve learned that may help and/or encourage you/ be something to watch out for. It was under very different circumstances, so maybe the lessons wonÔÇÖt all apply, (theyÔÇÖre mainly about recovering from a traumatic experience) but here we go:

(You can skip this next paragraph if you donÔÇÖt want to know a lot of peripheral details)

A number of years ago as a student (a while before I first joined this forum, to give you some idea) I went through a nervous breakdown (and itÔÇÖs not something I would ever want to repeat). I drove myself into the ground trying to do an impossible amount of things at once on my own (a double degree course plus a language course plus running a society plus being a very active member of another plus training to be a decathlete plus helping out at a local school and a community centre, where a lot of people found even the single degree course too difficult) add to that a very unhealthy (completely one-way) long-distance ÔÇ£relationshipÔÇØ and you have a sure-fire recipe for emotional collapse. All of these things were my choices, often choosing them precisely because they were difficult, and being very proud of all I was handling. It never occurred to me (let alone was I able to confide in anyone) that I wasnÔÇÖt coping. Of course I ignored all the warning signs (failing a module the first year, failing the entire second year, even fainting from stress and hunger (I often skipped lunch to work more) during my repeat second year) constantly trying to live up to the weight of expectation I perceived was on me as the ÔÇ£giftedÔÇØ one in the family (though I was the one who expected the most of myself)

Looking back, it amazes me that it took two and a half years for me to crack, but when I did it wasnÔÇÖt pleasant. I dropped out of everything, came home a broken young man unable to do anything except feel sorry for myself. It was only when I reached the end of what strength I had left, for once stopped wallowing in self-pity and genuinely asked for help that I realised that ÔÇ£him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagineÔÇØ was there with me with arms open wide (as he always had been) turned me around, gave me new strength and the healing process could begin in earnest. That is not to say that I didnÔÇÖt make any more stupid mistakes (including another unhealthy long-distance ÔÇ£relationshipÔÇØ (what was I thinking!)) but I learned whose strength to rely on and a whole load of other stuff.

Over the years since those events I have (re)learned the following:

1. God has resources you canÔÇÖt even dream about. Nothing is ever an ÔÇ£inconvenienceÔÇØ or ÔÇ£too complexÔÇØ for him to handle.

2. DonÔÇÖt try to live up to anyone elseÔÇÖs expectations (not even your own) because expectations are almost always badly informed, and are often never satisfied (or satisfiable)

3. DonÔÇÖt try to do everything yourself.

4. DonÔÇÖt be afraid to admit your mistakes, or ashamed to ask for help, though from your posts it seems neither of these things are a big problem for you. Find someone you can confide in and confide in them regularly.

5. Taking a break is not an admission of defeat- itÔÇÖs a fundamental need. DonÔÇÖt ignore your bodyÔÇÖs warning signals.

6. DonÔÇÖt aim to be who you were before all this happened. This experience will change you, like my experience changed me. I donÔÇÖt like some of the changes, but I do like a lot of them, and can see a positive side to the ones I donÔÇÖt like.

7. A lot of good will come out of this whole situation, though it might not seem like it now. Some already has. Maybe this is small comfort to you, but taking part in this whole discussion has made me appreciate my wife more, and sharing it with her has helped us talk about and deal with some problems I had no idea she was having, so I thank you for that, for your bravery and honesty. One day you will use all your experiences and the lessons you learn to come alongside and help others in pain.

8. You are never alone.

If youÔÇÖre ever in need of a spiritual uplift, (as IÔÇÖm sure you will be from time to time) you can do a lot worse than read the first four chapters of PaulÔÇÖs letter to the Ephesians. They are full of encouraging truths.

IÔÇÖll end with one of my favourite quotes, from Micah 6:8

He has showed you, O man, what is good.

And what does the LORD require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God.

You are not alone.

[Guest $iLk]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me Ben, and thank you for your continuing prayers and uplifting advice...

Interestingly enough, one of my friends went through something very similar last year, although no kids were involved in his marriage.

Interestingly enough, it was that experience he was going through that brought us together as friends. His wife and I had been friends for about 6 years, as I had dated her sister for about 4 years. She and I talked about every 2 weeks, and I would stop by their house and hang out with both of them. He was always polite to me, and I to him, and we both talked to each other about general topics (hows that weather eh?) y'know, but we weren't really super big friends or anything.

In January of last year, his wife just up and left to be with a guy that she met online. He had no warning signs other than her increasing unhealthy attitudes towards spending upwards of 6 hours a day in chat rooms, etc.

When she left, he had no idea who to turn to. I didn't know she had left until I received a phone call from him. I offered to help him out, and went over to his house.

Over the next several months, after disrespecting what she did to him, and helping him through his problems by listening, and talking to him, he and I became really good friends, and she and I kind of quit talking except about once a year or so when I check on her to make sure she's alive. He and I talk about every week, and I have confided to him as well about everything that was going on, and he has been able to return the favor to me... although from the outside looking in, his advice is straightforward, and hard to digest at first.

But I know he went through a ton, even after she left him, she would come back every 3 months pretending to want to work things out (in reality the guy she ran off with was in jail) and as soon as he got out of jail, she would run off again. He let her do this about twice, and then let her go finally.

Nowadays, she is married to the guy she ran off with, but she tries calling my friend every week begging him to take her back. So it's kind of a what goes around comes around thing.

-------

As far as my own situation... right now I'm sitting on the opposite end of the house. My ex-wife is visiting with our children, and I am giving her the space she needs to enjoy her time with them. I don't have any animosity towards her, and although I love her very much and want her to cope with her problems, I realize that her problems are no longer my responsibility. The hardest part about digesting that is that our two children are caught in the middle of this, and they don't deserve that. She's great with the kids for a short time, and they love her - they always will no matter what she might do, because she is their mother.

I will never bad mouth her in front of them. She and I no doubt have more crap waiting in the future between us both if her attitude continues, but I'm holding out hope that she can remain civil enough to talk about things instead of screaming and shouting over me trying to control the conversation (like last night). At one point even I wasn't the better person and started to raise my voice, even though I quickly backed down and tried calmly talking.

We are due to go to court soon on the custody thing that we had been working together on... and I'm honestly not sure what to expect.

If she doesn't want to work together, or my grandparents aren't willing to work with me, I don't know if things will go very well, and honestly I wouldn't blame the judge for not wanting the children in a volatile situation, even though I am doing what I have to to make sure that there situation at home is loving and safe.

I can always hope... and I can always pray. But I'm honestly scared that while I've been making the right steps in the right direction, that things just aren't going to work out happily ever after.

I've got the kids right now for the next two weeks, and am going to be showering them with as much love as possible, and taking care of them. I'm trying to find another job right now... but it seems that no one is hiring at all.

I've been praying, and hoping that things work out for the best. I have to put my trust in the lord, that things will work out as they were meant to... and that in the end, things will be normal, and happy in my life.

I don't know that things will... but I will work as hard as I can, and will be happy with the little victories along the way. I appreciate the continuing support you all have shown me... and have been thanking you all in my prayers as well. Every kind word, every encouragement, every piece of advice is most appreciated.

It's not always easy for me to bring other's into my circle as I usually have the pride get in my way of asking for help. But this situation was truly too much for me to even consider handling alone after the first couple of days.

I've never felt closer to friends and family than at this time, and for the past several years, have distanced myself from everyone who really cared about me because I thought I could handle it alone. I'm big enough now to admit my mistakes, and I honestly haven't felt this close of a connection to so many people in my life who really do care, even people here that I've never met in RL. For those of us who are never destined to meet in this life, I pray that we shall one day meet in heaven. Perhaps one of you have problems in your life, or need someone to talk to.

My email inbox is open to all of you should you ever require it: [email protected]

It would be a small price to pay for the encouraging thoughts and advice that I have received from you all.

Thank you,

Dan Cooper

(a.k.a. $iLk)

[Guest $iLk]

quote:

---

As part of our states requirement for a divorce inolving children you hve to attend a parenting class.

---

Just to give you a general idea of how close we were even through the divorce, we went to this parenting class together, we sat next to each other the entire time, and we discussed things we had learned on the ride home.

Whenever I made the decision to divorce her last year, it was in a period where she was having emotional outbursts that she would not seek help about. I sent our children to stay with my grandparents because every time she talked to me over the phone, she would be screaming, and I could hear the kids crying in the background. I let that happen twice, and I sent them to my grandparents.

I told my ex that she had to learn to calm herself, and that the month of November was coming up. If she could make it through the month without an emotional outburst, I would work things out with her. If not, I would seek a divorce. November 15, we got the kids from my grandparents. My ex and my grandmother got into an argument over whether or not she had sent a jacket to my grandmother's. I diffused the situation by saying "well I'll look for it when I get to the house". I then mentioned to my ex in the car that she needed to learn to bend a little bit in an argument instead of acting so b*tchy. She then proceeded to scream at me right there in front of the kids.

It got so bad that my oldest son spent a long time just pulling his hair out when laying down and she was screaming. Needless to say, I had the divorce papers drawn up the next week, and she signed them by November 30, the day that we would have decided to work things out had she not shown her arse.

But even after the divorce, I spent a good deal of time with her, offered to help her get a job, offered to give her rides to college, etc. We remained on fairly good terms except when the kids came down for Christmas, she threw another emotional fit on Christmas day, and walked off down the road because she was depressed... leaving them. I watched them, and asked my mother to stay with them while my ex was there, and my mom would be doing things for the kids, and my ex just sat on her butt all day watching soaps.

Around me, she acts like she's the perfect mother, but everyone who has seen her when I'm not around tells me that she acts like she could care less. She has told me that she want's to be a good mother for the kids, and other people tell me that she told them she didn't want the responsibility.

It's always been hard to figure out who to believe... but looking back over everything that's happened, I can see how my ex will say one thing and do another.

Just yesterday, after having one of her emotional fits over the phone towards me, she came over to visit with the kids. She was great with the kids, she even went and washed laundry and cleaned up around my house while I let her visit. I'm having trouble deducing her motives. Part of me want's to believe that she's trying hard to show that she's willing to accept more responsibility... and part of me believes that she is simply putting on a show, and hoping that she can get some amount of custody out of this.

She tries to make friendly conversation to me, but I haven't always the heart for it... so I just answer politely and leave it at that. I don't initiate much dialogue, and I try to give her as much space as she wants. As long as she has this bucketload of resentment, I know she's only being polite, and there is no substance to her conversation other than to bait me to see if there is something she can find wrong with what I say. She'll take the slightest verbal mis-step and begin screaming and yelling as if I'd just raped her mother or something. It's bizarre... but it's the way our relationship was for several months before our divorce, several months after, and currently.

If only I could get over that nagging pang of love I still have for her... I keep hoping and praying that she works out her problems, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to try and talk to her about working things out with herself and with me and the kids...

I know that she's never going to listen anyways, so that makes it easier. What troubles me about yesterday, is that she see's that I'm not making a fuss about talking to her, or trying to convince her of anything, so she made a big show of doing half my chores around the house in order to get my attention. When I walked in, she asked me "Is there anything else you need done?" I told her "No thank you but I do appreciate what you have done" I then left it at that until she walked out the door, she said "bye" and I said "have a good night" And left it at that.

I think that as nice as she was being, that she's trying to bait me to say "Sweetie why don't we talk about..." And then she will laugh and proceed to continue trying to rip my heart out.

I hate being gunshy... even if she does get to the point where she is serious... I'm not sure I'd be willing to go in with an open heart for a while.

Anyways, I'll collect all these posts together for submission to the copyright office for my next book. Thanks for reading if you read this far, and thanks again for those who are willing to pray, and those who are willing to give advice.

Not much else I can say about the situation, except as Jaguar said above, to just keep going. Do what I have to do for the kids... and regardless of my personal feelings for her, do what's best for the kids. I know that she loves the kids, and she can take care of them for short periods. But she doesn't have a home for them, or a good environment. Maybe one day she will. But not now. Here's hoping...

[Ben Somerset]

My best wishes go out to you and your children during what sounds like a very difficult time. I hope that in the end everything works out well for you. Though she would probably have an anuerism if you suggested it, your ex-wife could probably use some professional help. She could have a manic-depressive or bi-polar disorder.

If you didn't have kids together, my suggestion would be to run like hell from her and don't stop. Having some personal experience with someone who has a bi-polar disorder getting away from the situation and staying away was the best thing I could do. Of course, I never had serious feelings about her, and it didn't bother me one bit reaming her in front of a large crowd when she tried to interfere in my life after I made it clear I didn't want her in it.

Give her some time and space and maybe she'll figure out that she has a problem and do something about it. Otherwise, it's a situation that I'd want to deal with as little as possible, with as much distance as I could manage. That's just me, though.

[Kevin Trotter]

I concur. I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.

[Guest Grayfox]

ive been laying off posting on this topic, but now its time for me to speak.

$ilk, believe me when i say ive gone through almost the exact same thing you are. i know how you feel. i know about the insomnia, the mood swings, the deep deep depression the whole nine yards. you will get over it, you just have to be strong. i know it looks tough to do so, but you have to... for the kids sake at the very least.

my ex wife abandoned myself and our 1 year old (he was 1 then, hes 7 now) and left me to take care of him. all the advice i can offer you is the kids come first and foremost, i know it sounds easier than it is but you gotta just blow off the wifes ranting. dont argue back or anything. it shows that you are a better person by not stooping to her level. it also shows the kids that dad keeps his cool and they will remeber that... trust me.

if you want to talk to someone whos been thru the same thing, just to get crap off yer chest or whatever, just drop me a PM and ill send you my phone number.

take care bro, and even though i dont pray (my skin might burn) ill toss one out for you.

[Guest $iLk]

Grayfox I sent you a PM.

quote:

---

Originally posted by: Ben Somerset

...Though she would probably have an anuerism if you suggested it, your ex-wife could probably use some professional help. She could have a manic-depressive or bi-polar disorder.

---

...If you didn't have kids together, my suggestion would be to run like hell from her and don't stop.

---

...

Give her some time and space and maybe she'll figure out that she has a problem and do something about it. Otherwise, it's a situation that I'd want to deal with as little as possible, with as much distance as I could manage.

---

I broke your post up into excerpts because these are points that are valid that I'd like to take one at a time. I don't like to play the blame game on her, and I don't intend to exaggerate my accomplishments. Both she and I have faults, but I'm just trying to tell it like I see it.

1. I have suggested that she see someone about professional help many times. Back in June of this year, I met a girl and went out on a date with her, my ex called wanting to stop by. I told her that I had a date, and she proceeded to scream and rant and rave until I hung up the phone and turned it off.

I steered clear of some of the more shocking details, but this passage is to give you an idea of the quick mood-swings.

The next day, she called me asking if she could stop by. I was getting ready for work and said sure but I could only stay a few minutes because I was getting ready to go. She began by slowly talking to me, and then trying to kiss me. I turned my head and told her that I wasn't interested in that right now. She then began screaming at me. I told her to leave it alone and started walking towards the door. She pushed me back. I asked her to tell me what she needed to tell me. She was calm again and talking to me, and I went to my room to get my shoes to go to work in. I turned to leave my room and she came rushing in and shoved me to the bed, with her hands around my throat screaming into my face that I couldn't be with anyone else. Then she'd calm down and try talking soothingly, when I told her again that I had to go, she started trying to get me to get "intimate". Then she broke into a crying fit.

The next day she called the board of mental health and signed herself up for an appointment to try to figure out what was wrong with her. In her own words. I talked to her and she seemed calm to me, and I told her that I wasn't sure if it would hurt our custody case or not, and stupidly talked her out of going, thinking that she would get over it. That was probably the worst thing I could've done. She eventually blamed everything on her birth control shot and quit taking it.

Since she alleviated herself of the responsibility of her actions by blaming first the shot, and now blaming me for her behavior, she is not willing to listen to anything I have to say on the subject.

2. Since we do have kids together, I have to do the next best thing. I don't mind her seeing the kids as long as she is supervised. She is great and loving with the kids as long as someone is around. If no one is around, I've heard horror stories... and witnessed some thing with my own eyes. Granted, she has always been the one to watch the kids, and I was always the "breadwinner", but there were some issues with the way she handled the kids that shouldn't have caught me so blindsided. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, I have to respect that as much as I can, and will be polite, and nice, and just back off and let her have her time with the kids. I'm not going to use them against her, she can treat me like crap over the phone, but if she get's an attitude or acts out in front of the kids is the only time I'll ask her to leave.

3. As I said... I have to respect her space. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me... frankly it came out of nowhere, but how can I not respect it if that's what she wants? Truly it was irresponsible, and it's irrational of her... but it's really none of my concern anymore. I'm going to take care of the kids, she'll hopefully play a big part in their lives. But if she want's nothing to do with me, then that's that. Maybe one day she will, maybe not. I can't make her though... so if she doesn't try to open dialogue with me, I'll assume she's still grudging over everything.

It makes it that much harder to work with her, but I'm being unjudging right now, and when she calls, I am polite and cordial, and make a bit of small talk, but not enough to give her something to fret over.

As I said, I love her very much. I feel she has had these emotional problems for a long time... and I have to admit that I have some responsibility in not seeing that she got the help before... but I also recognize that she didn't want the help. I tried talking her into individual counseling sessions, I took her to marriage counseling, I asked her numerous times, and told her numerous times that she needed to get help.

She has been through a lot. She's had a lot to contend with in her childhood, and for the past 6 years, it's usually been a good news/bad news time for her. I hate the fact that she tries to place all the blame on me. She was such a strong person, she's just been through so much, some of which I was responsible for, a good bit which I wasn't but still catch flak for, and a good bit that I had nothing to do with at all but still catch some blame. While she stood strong through so much of it, at some point she just broke down. I can't really hold it against her except where the kids are concerened. Whatever has happened to me, this recent fiasco an example, I have no desire to lose sight of doing what is best for them, even if I'm not able to get or have everything that I want.

When she was pregnant with our first child, I turned down several scholarships, and went out to get a job in order to make sure that we had enough money to get her everything she needed. Her mother basically gave her nothing to eat, but bread and cheese. I started buying her groceries, and all the food and everything she would need throughout her pregnancy. I was there for everything, her mother developed resentment towards me for doing what she was not. At certain points I was not welcomed around, and her mother even threatened not to let her go to the hospital because it would be me taking her, and she threatened never to let me talk to her again. Her mother allowed her boyfriend to hit my girlfriend and shove her into walls etc. while she was pregnant. Enough drama and B.S. going on to drive me mad. I realized that I didn't want her in that situation, especially with my child, so I began making a home for her, and sat with her through the delivery, and when we came back from the hospital... we came to the first home we had. There wasn't much to it, but I worked hard every day to try and bring a little bit more in our lives.

I married her 13 days after my first son was born, I still tried going to college, but eventually work and financial demands proved the greater, so I put my plans in life on hold in order to take care of them.

I'm not trying to make myself sound heroic, but I think I did the right thing. My ex resents the fact that she was dependant on me for so long, and doesn't recognize the fact that much of that dependancy wasn't hers to control, and she neglected to take into account we couldn't afford her a car so she could work, I couldn't be responsible for taking myself to work and her to college, etc. I told her that if she could come up with some kind of plan, use public transportation, etc. I didn't have a problem with it. When I brought up the other difficulties like finding daycare, affording daycare, etc. She just would not hear any of it. By the time we were close to getting a divorce, she resented me, she resented the fact that the kids were making her miss out on things, and she resented everything I had done to help her to that point. And once I left her, and removed the burden of the kids... she resented me for leaving her.

It has always been a no-win situation for me... to the point where I was miserable non-stop and had my own mood swings and such while we were married. I loved her more than anything except my children, and I felt that she was simply ungrateful for the multitude of the sacrifices that I was willing to make in order to help our family.

I still love her, and I want her to have all those things that she wants to have. But she is more worried about not having to worry about any responsibility and is intent doing what she pleases. She works for several hours a day, goes home, sits on a couch for about 8 hours on the internet, then goes to bed. Unless it's a school night, in which case she only spends 4 hours on a couch on the internet when she get's home.

Meanwhile I get up in the morning, get my kids breakfast, get them ready if we are going somewhere, doing what I have to with them for the day, and in the afternoon's spending time with my family with the children... I spend maybe 1 hour on the internet, if at all. I get the kids to bed, and I go to bed at the same time. I go to bed at 9:00PM at the earliest, and wake up around 7:00AM (Except with the insomnia I usually wake up at 2:00AM and just lay there...)

To be fair... she's acting like I used to... BEFORE I had as much responsiblity as I have with the kids. Even when she was the responsible one for them, she didn't spend near as much time as I do with them. She sat home alone and depressed herself. She hardly ever took the kids outside, or did anything except sit on the internet and talk to her online friends about how good of a mom she was, and how great of a wife she was... all the while knowing how she acted and treated both me and the kids was a different picture.

This is a long post... but some of this I wanted to get off my chest... and maybe some of you out there have some more advice or prayers to send my way.

I love her, but I've never really been happy with her ever since she began acting the way she is. I feel responsible for her a lot because I have been the one who has picked up a lot of her emotional baggage... and I've been the one responsible for her care, well-being, etc. for quite some time. Her parents never played a big part in that... and I was always critical, and sometimes harsh in trying to teach her the lessons that she never learned, that she should have learned growing up.

She and I were the best of friends for a long time... but it didn't take long after our marriage for her to start having lapses of missing the days when she could talk to me about anything, and I would just listen instead of having a say. She resents the fact that since she and I were husband and wife, and she was responsible for the kids, that I did have a say on a lot of issues. But she never wanted, or was interested in working together. I don't think she ever really wanted that life. I think that if she could, she would go back and change it to where she didn't have the kids, and thus didn't have to worry about them.

I can't say that I haven't felt that way a few times, but I can say with certainty that it was never more than a momentary lapse... and not a way of life as it seems to be for her. Honestly... I still have these issues to confront... I still want to understand why. Every time something has bothered her, she would come to me and I would hold her in my arms, and she would cry and things would be fine.

There's been so much to happen in our lives... there is a lot of negative... and a lot of positive history between us. Neither of us were really ready to be married... I've grown through the experience... never once did I try to shirk the responsibility that fate thrust upon me... but as much as she claims to want the same things I do... as vehemently as she will deny any claims to the contrary... her actions speak loudest to me...

Her most recent actions just shocked me out of the daydream and wishful thinking that I had been living concerning her. It was irresponsible of me to have such a profound lack of judgement as to give in to the most basic urges over the past year. We didn't take the time apart that we should have before... as much as I recognize everything that she's done... I don't harbor resentment like I used to. I understand that carrying it around doesn't help anyone. But that doesn't change the fact that she's made up her list of resentment, and it's a big bag indeed... enough so that she has hardened her heart towards me, and begun taking destructive actions towards me, herself, and in the long run, towards the children.

I don't want things to sound as bleak as they do in this post... take heart that I am doing better every day, and that I have never felt the confidence and the strength of moving forward as I do now. I am most appreciative of the strength, and advice that those of you here have lent me. A good deal of it was used, and I have been praying on it a great deal, and seeking the right path.

I have to let her go, to do what she want's to do. I can't be responsible for her, but I have to be responsible for the children. I am strong in front of them... I try to be a good voice. I don't try to keep her from them, I don't try to sway their opinion of her, and anyone in my family who talks ill of her in front of the children hears it from me. I don't try to use anything she has done to throw at her to argue about... I'm leaving it all in the past. There's some questions I still have... and there are concerns that must be addressed before I can trust her again... but I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing... as she seems to be getting along better now that she doesn't have to deal with me at all. And I'm hoping that she takes the time to examine herself.

When I've asked her if she loves me... she used to say "More than anything." After she entered her deepest depression, her answer became "Too much". Now that she has gone on her emotional tizzy... her answer is "I don't know anymore"

Here's hoping she learns that answer... It's only through my actions, not my words that she'll ever come to accept it. Thank you all for the advice and prayers.

Maybe that should go in Jerry Springer's Final Thoughts...

-Dan Cooper

a.k.a. $iLk

[Guest $iLk]

I gave her the perfect opportunity to lash out this morning. She had a traffic ticket that I played a part in losing a few weeks back, and today she received a "Failure to Appear Notice" at my house. I called her cell phone just to let her know about it...

Should have just let the Sheriff's pick her up. True, I had played a part in it getting lost, but that didn't stop her from calling to find out when the next court date was. And I was only calling to let her know, and to offer advice on what to do. Naturally, she had a fine time seething on the phone, I told her, well I just thought I'd let you know, and she said "Is that all?" and I said, yep, have a great day.

Irrational, irrational hatred. Not much I can do about it I guess... anything I say or do only adds fuel to the fire.

I suppose when she stops by this afternoon things should be interesting. Not sure if she'll give me time to get to the back room before she starts lashing out in front of the kids...

Can't be helped if she does... will just have to ask her to leave.

[Guest $iLk]

To Everyone:

I feel that I am on the right track in my own life, and in taking care of my kids, and in a spiritual way.

No doubt I'm going to make mistakes... but I will hopefully never lose the focus that I have now.

I have shared with all of you some very personal things, and I appreciate your advice, prayers, and willingness to offer your thoughts on the situation.

My focus throughout this has been distorted, but I feel that I have finally found solid ground beneath my feet for the first time in a long time... and although it is difficult, I feel that I am making progress towards a better future for myself and the kids.

One only has to read throughout this thread, to see that sometimes my thoughts were disjointed... and sometimes I felt as though I had written only a few paragraphs, only to go back and look at a short novel...

The words flew from my fingertips... sometimes in desperation just to get things off my chest... to someone. Those of you here who have offered your prayers and advice, and your personal time to talk or send emails - you are appreciated, and I am honored to have such friends.

Currently my plans are to maintain full custody of my children, and to continue raising them in a manner in which they deserve, and a moral foundation upon which to build their lives around.

I must be humble, because I know that the person that I am now, the good will, and the compassion and honesty that I feel give me character - has come at a very high price. There were many times where I was not the better person. There have been many times in my life where I have been a bad person through my actions... and many times where I felt anger and resentment myself.

Although events of the recent weeks led me through a path of despair and depression, my faith, and the love I have for my children was enough to lead me into a path of relative content, and a desire to move forward. It has and will be difficult, but I look forward to building a better life and future for my children.

Wherever the path of my ex-wife's life leads, I can hope that she will work with me for the best life for the children... and I pray for her to make the best decisions she can in order to truly be happy for herself. I can't say what lies in the future between us - but God willing we both strive to better ourselves, and hopefully work together for the benefit of our children.

Some days are still better than others... and it's a long road ahead. But with the knowledge that friends and family are standing beside me, and with my faith stronger than it has been in a long time, I feel confident in the road ahead.

I'll try not to bore any more of you with past reveries of my life, or with any more information about the current situation, unless it is something that happens that I need advice on again. I don't know what to expect from the future... but whatever challenges lie ahead, I feel better able to face them.

I feel that I'm going to come through this one on my feet... one day at a time. And I am thankful that I was not lost to despair or hopelessness.

For those of you willing, I continue to ask for any prayers for me, my children, my ex-wife, or advice that you are willing to share with me...

It is appreciated... and know that whether or not you believe... those of you who have offered advice or prayers here, have been in my prayers, in thanks as well. It means more to me than you know... Thank you.

Sincerely,

-Dan Cooper

a.k.a. $iLk

[Scotty]

$ilk,

Where to start...

I read your current life story with a number of mixed emotions.

Primarily I am proud of the commitment you have to God and your children.

I am saddened by the loss of your marriage.

I worry about all the people involved.

I am uplifted by your strength.

I am refreshed by my own faith that all things work out for the good.

I am joyful of the community support.

I am encouraged to come out of my lurking hole (which is very deep indeed) to post a reply to a complete stranger.

You bare your soul, not only the committed members of this forum, but to all passers-by as well. You will someday reflect on this and have a good, nervous chuckle.

As most married couples will admit, we all have gone through a stage of what you are troubled with now. Although most don't end in the same dreary state, there is always something to be happy about at the end of the day.

Maintain your strength. Hold fast to the Lords path. Be true to yourself and your family.

The beginnings of my marriage were very similar to yours. I know how it goes, but thanks to God it didn't end.

I give your children and both of their parents my prayers freely.

One thought that has helped some... keep a journal. Keep it absolutely private. Be completely honest. Every day, write a new page and re-read one page from 7 to 14 days ago. Reflect on what you just wrote from the past and learn. So often emotions get in the way of true memory and important lessons are forgotten. And most of all don't dwell on the negatives that were written in the past, but look at what you just wrote and try to see the positives since then, this is the toughest thing to do! Don't rip open old wounds.

Finally, I for one thank YOU! You have shown the strength of dozens of men, yet your life is just starting. Give my regards to your parents for the upbringing you received. It reminds me that there are different size bumps in life, and to take each one carefully, so not to break something.

Scott

[Ben Zwycky]

Is there going to be a custody hearing? If so, when? (so I can pray for wisdom for all concerned in deciding and accepting the decision that is made)

Now I donÔÇÖt want to scare you, nor imply in any way that your ex-wife might do this to you, but IÔÇÖve seen a worse situation than yours end happily. About 25 years ago my uncle married someone who didnÔÇÖt share his faith (to get away from his family, who disapproved of almost everyone he met) While they were married she had multiple boyfriends and eventually they divorced. They had a custody hearing, which she lost ,as well as her appeal. She then kidnapped their three children and secretly took them to another country (a good few thousand miles away) and tried to have another custody hearing there in his absence and without his knowledge, on the basis of his being a ÔÇÿreligious maniacÔÇÖ (though IÔÇÖve hardly met a saner, calmer and gentler man in all my travels). IÔÇÖm not sure how long it took him to track them down (he got no help at all from her parents who stood by her every move) or what eventually happened to her (my family, understandably, didnÔÇÖt introduce me). To make matters worse, it later turned out that her father had been abusing her and my uncleÔÇÖs eldest daughter. When her mother found out about that, she left him on the spot.

Like I said, it ended happily, he is now happily remarried to a kind, loving, and godly woman and we recently received an invitation to his eldest daughterÔÇÖs wedding, so it seems like the damage has been healed.

Before I heard about all of that, I was totally against divorce in all circumstances- I still donÔÇÖt like it at all- it is never a ÔÇÿgoodÔÇÖ option (since for one itÔÇÖs breaking the most important promise a lot of people ever make) and for my marriage it will never be an option, but I came to see that in some cases it really is the ÔÇÿleast badÔÇÖ option.

God knows the end he has in store for you, it is good for you and he will lead you accordingly. Stay close and communicate with him, and trust his ways.

[Guest $iLk]

Ben, the custody hearing is going to be on Monday the 27th of October.

I feel kind of in between a rock and a hard place...

More back story about the custody case

---

The custody case is me and my ex-wife VS both of my grandparents. In October of last year, I asked my grandparents to take the children because my ex-wife was responsible for them during the day, and she was at a point where she did nothing but scream and cry at the top of her lungs in front of the children because she was never getting her way. She wanted to go to college, and get a job, etc. I never told her she couldn't do it, but I calmly tried explaining to her that we needed to save up money first because the college campus is on the direct opposite side of the county in which I was working... which would mean I'd have to drive an hour to work, an hour home, and 30 minutes to the campus in order to take her myself, since she had no DL, had no car, and had no money.

This was an every day argument... and it got to the point where I felt that she wasn't willing to listen anymore. I tried marital counseling (I had gone to solo counseling for about 20 weeks concerning problems I had with her, and tried talking her into going... it was about the last 3 times that I went, she decided to go.)

The counselor knew my side of everything, and he talked with her about her side... and every bit of advice he tried to give her, she acted like she listened, and as soon as we got in the car on the way home, she acted like it was so much B.S.

Anyways, I sent the kids to stay with my grandparents... my grandmother has never liked my wife/ex-wife, and when the kids got over there, they said that my oldest son told her that my wife/ex-wife had bitten his privates.

My grandparents never told anyone about this... they waited until they thought that the statute for taking custody of the kids had passed, and then they made the accusations, and took me and my ex-wife to court, because they didn't want the kids around her. The statute had not passed, and I felt betrayed that if something had really happened with my son, why had they allowed visitation with my ex-wife without informing me of anything?

I fought against them with my ex-wife the entire year... from March - September... we looked like we were about to have the kids come home with us, and we had never been getting along better as in July, August, and September. I had overlooked several crazy things that my ex-wife had been doing the entire year to get me to be with her, and she had seemed to mellow out, and we looked to be on great terms again. At the end of August, the judge told us that the next time we went to court, we would be getting our kids back. My ex-wife immediately about 7 days later started flirting with the married guy, and within 30 days had met him in a hotel room to do their thing.

Throughout the entire time, she was acting like she was working with me... but started acting colder, and treating me with outright scorn. I found out about what was going on, and confronted her as calmly as can be, but understandably I was upset that what I thought we were working together towards had now slipped on the backburner to her. She acted like she was going to work things out... spent the next two days with me, spending time with our kids and each other... then I went to work, and she took the kids to my other grandparents, ran to her mom's and told me that she was going to be with the other guy.

For the next two weeks I tried talking to her, telling her how I felt, etc. Tried reasoning with her, but she responded with "I don't care how you feel", "I'm glad you are hurting", "I'm going to do what I want to do", etc.

So anyways, she has continued a similar attitude the entire time... towards me at least. As long as I left her alone with the kids, she was nice towards them. If I was sitting in there, she tried arguing.

So naturally, I took Echo's advice - and said hey, and bye, but other than that, I stayed in the back.

---

Current concerns

That was all fine, until yesterday, my son told my grandmother over here the same thing they said he said above, while she was changing his diaper.

She asked him, where did this happen? And he said "At daddy's house"

My ex-wife has only been alone with him 2 nights, and for less than 3 hours. I don't know what to think. Naturally I think he may have been coached to say that, but he's only been calling my place "daddy's house" for the past couple months.

I don't know why he is saying it... I don't know what to think. I know her, and I can't imagine her doing something like that. As I said, it is possible that it is something he was coached to say...

But every person who has examined him in this court case, has found no physical evidence, and can't "prove" that she did anything... but everyone adds the note to their addendum, that they believe that some kind of abuse occurred by my ex-wife's hand.

They supposedly asked my son about me and about "mommy" and when asked about me, he was happy, etc. When asked about her, he would stiffen up, etc.

That's what they tell me. But when I've seen the children around her, they love her to death, and she treats them with 100% affection when I'm around.

But are that many people just 100% wrong about my ex? Is my love for her blinding me to much of what she does? I honestly don't WANT to believe that she was responsible for doing anything to the kids. She's never shown that side around me, and I can't picture it happening.

I agree that she is an irresponsible mother, and hates the thought of the responsibility of the kids as it relates to "what she wants to do". But I can't see her as doing this to our son.

But it put a bug in my ear, because he said it out of nowhere, and when asked where it happened, and he said "daddy's house", he's only called it that for the past couple months... nearly a full year after the "incident" supposedly occurred. Naturally, she'd have to be psychotic, or a freaking idiot to do anything when she knows how many people are watching her every move. Both nights when she was here, by the time I came out of the back room, she had bathed and clothed them.

I don't have any proof, I don't know why my son said this. I want to believe that he was coached this story for when my grandparent's were fighting for custody. It's possible that he's been coached a story... and maybe he's making up more details? Or saying it for no reason? Why would my son be saying this out of nowhere... whenever he get's his diaper changed? He doesn't say it every time, this is the first time I've heard. I've changed his diaper a hundred times and he hasn't said it to me. He only said this after she had her two visitations alone with him... and the fact that he added the detail of it happening at my house, and the timing of it gave me an empty feeling...

On the other side, I've got my grandparents still fighting me... hopefully working things out with me for me to have custody restored alone, and I've agreed to only supervised visitation for my ex... but I don't know what complications will come up between now and then. It's only 7 days... but I don't know what drama I've got in store...

I took my children to church yesterday, for the first time since they've been staying with me full time for the past two weeks. They enjoyed it, and I felt really strong that morning about everything I had decided to do for myself and them... by that afternoon after hearing my son say this, and all of a sudden I'm filled with suspicion, etc. against my ex.

Is it only because there's 7 days until a decision? Am I worrying over nothing? A lot of my self-control took a hit when I saw my ex last night... I tried speaking to her about everything, naturally she cried and denied it... hugged me and held my hand... then pushed me away and told me to "figure it out and then get back to her".

She said she would like to see the kids but is having to work the next few days. I know the real truth, she is staying at a condo with some of her friends drinking.

Naturally enough I guess... that seems to be the way she lives now. Saying she's a good mother one day, and the next day is off with friends, etc. as if she were in high school. I can't change that, but I don't know what to think about the accusations that I have been fighting so hard by her side...

PROBLEMS:

If she and I don't work together, our lawyer will have a conflict of interests and my grandparents will likely gain all custody unless I can fight it on my own... but I have no money left to fight it with a new lawyer.

Even if she and I work together... I don't trust her, nor my grandparents. I wish I could just take my kids and move past all this, and live my life with them... my grandparent's said they do not object to me having them, so long as my ex-wife is not allowed to be alone with them.

I concur... but I want to get to the bottom of what really happened before I allow her to see them unsupervised.

As long as my grandparents are honorable to this agreement... they will find that I will honor my agreement with them.

I do ask for your prayers for the upcoming custody decision... the judges and lawyers need the wisdom and guidance to do the right thing, as do my grandparents, my ex-wife, and myself.

I don't know what to think about what my son said either... if anyone has an opinion, or needs more information to determine this... Race I think you are professionally qualified, please PM me... or email [email protected]

I'll continue fighting... one day at a time, and I think you all for your continuing prayers...

[Guest $iLk]

Well... the custody hearing is this upcoming Monday... I will be out of touch until Monday night.

Nothing has changed in dealing with my ex... she is still intent on sabotaging herself and the children through her unwillingness to accept responsibility for her actions.

I appreciate all the prayers I can get... for myself, the children, and my ex-wife during this trying time. I hope that one day I can look back on this without regret... I believe I have been taking the right steps... and God knows that I've slipped up several times... but I continue trusting in Him, and continue working harder each day.

Thank you all for the support. May God Bless each and every one of you that has given me kind words, advice, and prayers. I'm sure that I will have some emails and PM's and perhaps phone calls to share in the future assuming how much drama comes up...

But here's hoping, and with my new job going well, and the kids doing well... I have a lot more hope than I had at the beginning of this topic.

Sorry about rambling sometimes... and sorry that a lot of it appears in book format... but it's helped to get it off my chest to someone. It's by no means the whole story... but it's a large part of it. I made some mistakes through my desperation in giving credence to some of her irrational beliefs... and she doesn't appreciate it very much that I've solidified my resolve... and am acting responsible in a way that she claims to want, but refuses to accept.

I can't be with her as friend or anything else until she is willing to accept that she has problems that need to be worked through for the kids, and is willing to get that help. I ask that you not forget her in your prayers... despite what she's been doing to me - she needs them perhaps more than I do in a way.

Every day is different... sometimes I feel down.. some days I feel up. Mostly when I've got someone to talk to. Everyone have a great weekend... and pray that things work out for the best on Monday.

God bless

-Dan Cooper

a.k.a. $iLk

[Guest $iLk]

Getting ready to leave to head towards Mississippi... just wanted to post a few thoughts.

I still feel strongly that she should be there for the kids... that she should love them and care for them as a mother should. Being with me is not the point... I can accept that we are not compatible if that's the case.

The problem this morning is that around 8:30a I called and asked if she was going to spend time with the kids before we took them back, like she said she wanted to. She told me that she had to go pick up her check, and get her stuff ready.

On a hunch, I popped online to check out what she was doing... for the next hour she sat posting on a forum that she frequents. At around 10:00a I called just to check and see if she was on her way. She told me that she had just gotten ready, and was on her way out the door to pick up her check. I made issue about the fact that she was sitting online doing nothing but posting in random threads instead of seeing her kids she hasn't seen in about 5 days.

I know that it's not my place to argue with her, or make her care about the kids. But is it wrong for me to want her to care?

I've been strong at some points... but at other points it is extremely difficult knowing that she has so casually and flippantly tossed aside the responsibilty of being there for the kids.

I feel responsible for part of what's happened this year, because after we divorced, I never put that distance between us that I should have, and she never made any attempt to fix her own problems before I began to open up to her again. The only reason I was able to open up is because she and I were working hard together to get the kids... but as soon as we were fixing to get them back, she wrote to her "fling" and told him that she wasn't sure she wanted the responsibilty of raising them because she had other things she wanted to do.

It doesn't help that she is unable to accept responsibility for even herself... she blames anyone and everything else in order to cop out of accepting responsibility.

I don't know what the next couple of days has in store... please keep me in your prayers...

[Ben Zwycky]

It might be tempted to say good luck with the hearing, but then to quote another famous Ben

"In my experience there's no such thing as luck"

only varying dispensations of God's grace.

You are all still in my prayers and whatever happens tomorrow, remember "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9, NIV)And with all of us, that's a whole lot of perfect power goin' round

also Romans 5:1-5 seems appropriate especially:

"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

He who is with you is stronger than he that is against you

[Guest $iLk]

Hearing has been postponed...

As far as things go with me and my ex-wife... after she and I argued over my decisions for awhile... she told me that she knew that she had issues to work out, and that she was in the process of working them out.

She asked for space to figure out what she want's in life... and at first I was insistent, but I realize that if that's what she needs, that is what she needs.

But as good a note as things seemed to end today with her and I discussing things... there was a lot more bitterness and issues brought up throughout.

I displayed a lot of weakness in dealing with her... and I believe that I may have let my feelings override my decision making... It's hard to know what to do. It's hard when I don't know what part she wants to play in the children's lives... she says she wants to be there for them, but has told me that she knows that she put herself and other things ahead of them for the time being.

It's hard to know, and it's hard to be on an emotional roller coaster... I took responsibility of her own issues and made myself feel better and worse all at the same time... if that's possible.

Thank you for your prayers... and I do know that I need them.

[Ben Zwycky]

It's very possible to feel better and worse at the same time. Quite a mixed bag of results there. Don't condemn yourself over your weaknesses, that doesn't help anyone (especially not yourself) and often our weakness is an effective channel for His strength to flow (see quote from my previous post). You have feelings- understandably strong ones- you're a human being, not a machine. I can't tell you what to think about your ex-wife, I can only pray that he who is able will cleanse and guard your mind, and use your mistakes as well as your successes to do a lot of good in both your lives.

Be strong, but not in your own strength.

[Guest $iLk]

Thank you Ben, and thank you for your prayers and advice. Yesterday I believe was a total mistake in the way I dealt with her... but it gave me that much more insight into my own weaknesses and made me that much more honest about my own heart when praying last night. I had problems with insomnia again last night however just thinking about things... but on the bright side:

I just talked to one of my friends who went through something similar last year... he has given me good straightforward advice about his problem last year with his ex-wife... his was difficult to handle even though no kids were involved.

I need to concentrate on what I want in life... and for my children, and let her do whatever she wants to do without agonizing over her mistakes. That is her property, and not mine.

Whenever she spouts out her resentment or anger towards me... I need to leave it be and quit trying to talk on those terms.

I would rather talk on good terms with her... and as long as she is willing to be on good terms, I can handle that I think. But I need time to myself also to figure out what I want. I really would think it would be the best thing if she fixed her problems, we fixed our problems, and we were both there for the kids... but perhaps a relationship would only complicate things since we aren't ready to deal with each other even now.

And she is in a stage where she doesn't know who she is, or what she wants in life, and is doing stupid things to figure that out... the worst thing that I try hard not to condemn her for is the way she acts about the kid's future. She says she wants more input into their lives, more visitation, more custody... but she still hasn't changed those things that are big problems, and hasn't really dealt with me on the original terms of our divorce yet.

So I have no intention of commiting to anything until I see how our current arrangement works out.

I especially hate the way she screams accusations of me doing the exact opposite thing I am doing at me in such a way as though she hopes I burn in hell for doing "what I'm doing" when in reality, and she knows it, I'm doing the exact opposite of what she accuses me of.

She made some good points whenever she was in a talking mood... but the talking mood only happens after she spews resentment everywhere, so it's hard to deal on those terms. The main thing that bothers me now is the accusations that were made against her, the way she acts about what I told her my son said the other day, and the way he acts when talking about it.

I'm hoping things are made clear in the future.

[Guest $iLk]

Was in a somewhat nostalgic mood today... but I also recognized some things in our relationship that never were quite right.

One of our biggest problems was the fact that at early stages in our relationship, my ex-wife made "mountains out of mole-hills" as far as problems in life. For instance, if I didn't call her as soon as I got home (before we were married), she treated it as though I had just cheated on her or something.

Reading over our old letters, etc., I do believe that she had strong feelings for me... and I believe that she still does have some feelings for me. Unfortunately, she fell into a dependency on my actions/mood to dictate her feelings of self-worth... eventually I fell into the same cycle after dealing with drama 24/7 for day after day, week after week, and at different points in our relationship, I felt resentful, and cheated.

It didn't help that we weren't exactly ready to be married. She became pregnant in March of 2000... about a month later, after I started working a bunch in order to get up money, she kind of semi-cheated on me with one of my friends. The trick of this was that she didn't tell me about this until right before she had our first son. We got married right afterwards, mainly because I didn't want our son in her home environment at her mother's. So we had a lot of unresolved issues that plagued us the entire marriage. I still did what I was SUPPOSED to do... earn a living, support her and the children, and provide food and a place to live for all of us. But I will say that I know I closed myself off to her emotionally for long periods at a time because of being unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster of her mood swings.

She never stopped "loving" me, but her way of showing it was to scream and whine every time I did something she didn't like/agree with... even if it wasn't that big of a deal.

I know that she and I loved each other... I was more responsible with my love in the end... she spent this entire year driving herself into depression, etc. and doing very stupid... borderline psychotic things in order to convince me to be with her.

Now she seems happy that she's broken away from that dependancy on me... and she's doing her best to close herself off, and treat me like garbage whenever she talks to me... even if I'm being totally nice. Methinks that she still has those feelings, and she's trying to keep me from being nice, etc.

She's very manipulative, and very used to lying about everything... so I can't honestly say what goes on inside her mind. I don't believe I see a relationship with her for quite a long time if at all. But we'll see I guess.

What truly saddens me is that she seems intent on using the kids to cause drama in my life... she constantly accuses me of keeping them from her (As noted before, I made them available to her at least 6 days in the last two weeks and she came to see them 3 days, and didn't even stay more than 2 hours when she could have stayed 4 or 5), and makes threats of wanting to fight me over them. It would be best of me to keep my distance as much as possible... but it sucks that she's the mother of my kids, because when she's not willing to work with me... it makes me have to make decisions on my own... which I get b*tched at later because she wanted a say... and it continues ad nauseum.

It's like it's a no-win situation as long as I'm dealing with her... but perhaps I've really been thinking about it wrong. She's going to do whatever she's going to do regardless... I'll continue trying to do the right thing, and continue putting distance, and if she decides to add drama fighting over the kids or anything, I'll deal with that when it comes... I don't even see why she would want to, considering it's not like she's willing to take care of them, or even half the time willing to spend time with them. But that's her stubborness I suppose... I haven't kept her from them at all, yet I still get blamed for it...

It's not like I haven't acted stupid at some points in response to her drama... but I think mine and her motives are totally different.

Well... please continue praying for me, and know that it is truly appreciated.

God bless,

Dan Cooper

a.k.a. $iLk

[Guest $iLk]

I feel pretty damn dumb...

Tonight I had an actually somewhat conductive conversation about future issues with our children with my ex-wife... things ended on a well-enough note, and that was that. I've been doing really good in my thoughts, and emotions since this past weekend.

It just so happened that after this conversation... I was sitting around and decided to check on something, and clicked open a page I had saved where she talked to her "fling", and found that her account was online.

So instead of just forgetting about it and leaving it be, I decided to start crap with her about it, thereby giving her all the reason she needed to forget everything good that was accomplished in our first conversation, and get lost in our second with anger and resentment.

This one was my fault for pushing it, and feel like I let 5 minutes of letting out frustration destroy something good that was gained through conversation...

Doesn't change the fact that she acted irrational in return... and I suppose in the long-run, towards her it doesn't really matter since she's stocked plenty of resentment anyways.

But to me, it makes me feel crappy because I gave in to frustration and feel like I damaged what took a ton of work to build up in such a short time...

More honesty by my bedside tonight... and more guilt for not leaving things as I should - in God's hands.

[echo]

Hey! I know I should know this already but how old are your kids?

[Guest $iLk]

Chad is 3 and Josh is 2...

Feeling better today about everything... though still bummed about failure of my feelings last night...