Night at the Movies: Alexander

[Scrivener]

What? You thought you were gonna get a review? Not yet, it's on the retinue for tomorrow evening. I've been hearing LOTS of mixed things, the kind of things that means I will most likely love the movie. Ie - mostly the inane rhetorical prattle of dim-witted movie critics:

"It's too slow."

"I don't get it."

"Needs moar fighting."

"Why are the battles so dusty? I can't see anything!"

So who's seen this one already? What did you think?

[Scrivener]

oh - my - god

Alexander is a wretched, abysmal, heinous, contemptible, vile, unpropitious excuse for steamy s#!+stained cinematic trash. The way this movie made me feel can be likened to scene in A Clockwork Orange where Alex is being given the reconditioning treatment - absolute torture. Mere words cannot express my absolute contempt for this... this... loathsome dance of light and shadow which so incongruously

violates the screen upon which it is projected.

Alexander starts well enough - Anthony Hopkins delivers the narrative as Ptolemy - a historian and one of Alexanders men. We are treated to such a fantastic representation of period Alexandria that we can't help but be drawn in. The acting is superb, the sets and costumes magnificant - the dialogue would make Shakespeare weep. The first act concentrates on Alexanders childhood, and so is very dialogue heavy. It is not so bad as we are constantly learning something new. The climax is reached about an hour in - at the battle of Gaugamela - the single most fantastic representation of an ancient battle ever seen. It's chaotic, and brutal, but expertly and fantastically shot to give you both an idea of the battle from a soldiers point of view and from that of an outside observer, viewing the strategic battle from afar. At this point, we begin to see the makings of a magical perfect-10 kind of classic.

But then it all starts to go wrong. Very, very, very wrong.

I'm sure that by now you've heard about the films focus on Alexander's sexuality. Everything you've heard has been underexaggerated - on a nearly conspiratorial level. This Alexender is very, very gay - and the film is sure to beat you over the head with this idea frequently and furtively - and for vast extended periods of time. About an hours worth of film can be directly attributed to lovely little homoerotic conversations/scenes between Alexander and his boy toy, Parmenion... and his male Babylonian transvestite who constantly appears, flaunting around suggestively throughout the entire film.

Yes, according to this film - men in those days only had wives to propogate the species. The rest of the time they just fooled around with other men. Oliver Stone has taken Ptolemy's historic texts and totally gone off deep end with all kinds of fictitious liberties and wild assumptions. This is not a movie based on history or fact, as it claims to be - it is a self-righteous Hollywood agenda film.

But wait, there's more! The film clocks in at about 3 hours - people were leaving by an hour and a half - just after the extreme ammounts of gayness started flying (we're talking gay on the scale of a South Park episode - we're talkng Lemmiwinks, here). The rest of the theatre was either squirming around in their seats, ready to leave, or chuckling uncomfortably. I, myself, would have left on at least a dozen different occassions - only my inclination to give a movie a fair chance to redeem itself stopped me. It's as if Oliver Stone could not throw away a single a second of footage. It all had to go in there - regardless of it's insignificance, redundancy, or quality. This is one of those instances where some SEVERE and DRACONIAN cuts would have resulted in a MUCH better movie (especially if it focused on the nonstop barrage of homosexual dialogue and imagery).

Furthermore, the final battle of the film (which would have been otherwise rather spectacular) is shifted into crazy psychedelic colors upon Alexander's injury. The whole thing (all 15 minutes of it) is then played out in neon pinks and oranges. By this point, everyone in the theatre (like Alexander's generals) is just waiting for Alexander to DIE so they can just leave, already.

When the credits began to roll, people RAN... yes, RAN to the exits. Others walked in silence. Not a word from anyone. In the lobby, one person could be heard saying "Oh my god. How did this happen?" And no, this time it wasn't me. My friend then turned to me and said, quite withrawn, "i hated that movie." I don't think hate is quite strong enough for me, though. This was not just a bad movie - it was TORTURE.

-9/10

P.S. My official "Worst movie of all time." Oliver Stone - I hate you and hope you die a terrible lonely death. I will never see another one of your movies as long as I live.

[LostInSpace]

Glad you stayed to finish the movie. The bane of movie critics having to sit there watching the full thing even if it's horrible.

These kind of movies I always wait for their T.V. premiere anyway. Thanks for the heads up.

[Guest $iLk]

I saw it and thought the same thing... Alexander the 'Gay'...

And I have nothing against gay people... but I do not appreciate history being co-opted to push an agenda.

[Kevin Trotter]

What would have been an acceptable amount of gayness? Even the the most cursory reading of history the period reveals the practice of male sodomy in Greek society. I havent seen the film and wont simply because I gave up on Stone after Platoon, but I think many folks have bought into the whitewashing of Hollywood filmmaking and that this film skewers those perceptions. I mean I thought Cleopatra looked like Liz Taylor until I was about ten years old. I've also seen films about Hannibal that had white actors portraying a man that clearly wasnt. All Stone has done is go too far in the other direction and because it doesnt suit us personally, now we are outraged?

Now you know how Chinese Americans, Native Americans and Latinos feel about having Anglo actors portraying thier great historic figures in film. Sorry $ilk but films ALWAYS have an agenda, and just because its one that you (and I) disagree with dont make it wrong.

Beside the trailors from this film screamed BOMB to me from the start. What with Angelie Jolie overemoting like a soap star, and the lame "conquer your fears" speech, I was happy to take the Evil One to see SpongeBob

[Guest $iLk]

My problem with the agenda lies with the fact that it's all fictional with nothing to back it up besides some historian musings.

I was hoping for something that really explored what Alexander accomplished in his life, and his impact on the world... not his impact on some guy's butt.

And that's what the film focused on. His boy-toy had far too much mascara for a Macedonian in the B.C. times... and he acted with stereotypical gay mannerisms.

As I said - I have no problem with homosexuals as people... but I have a big problem with hijacking a historical figure to railroad your agenda along. And if this movie had shown that it was all about gay romance in the trailers - I would not have seen it, because honestly - I was there for the war-stuff.

[Supreme Cmdr]

This movie. This movie. It was complete and utter crap. Everything Scriv said is true. In fact, he was quite kind actually; given his usual rhetoric.

This movie was bad in so many ways that just recounting how bad it is, would mean reliving it all over again.

I'm not even going to score it.

[Guest]

"we're talking gay on the scale of a South Park episode - we're talkng Lemmiwinks"

bwhahahaha thats the rodent that is inserted up mr slave's arse...

[Guest Hellbinder[CE]]

How muc "Gayness" is to much?

I'll just say this. We are MEN and WOMEN for a Reason. Its pretty freaking obvious until you allow a small minority of people to start pushing their agendas and trying to reprogram the masses to accept what is obvious by common sense.. not normal.