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Quick Jokes

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks Kerry,

"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

Kerry replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water.

And then you dump the stock.

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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

______________________________________________________________________

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

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A man is recovering from circumcision surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "a$$hole!" afterwards

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The Married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties

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* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +10

* But return with beer: -50

* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: +10

* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +20

* You pummel it with a six iron: +50

* It's her father: -100

Social Engagements

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* You stay by her side the entire party: 0

* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -20

* Named Tiffany: -40

* Tiffany is a dancer: -60

* Tiffany has implants: -1000

Saturday Afternoons

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* You visit her parents with her: +10

* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +30

* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -30

* And the television is off: -100

* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -10

* And you didn't even go to college: -20

* And it's not really your underwear: -100

Her Birthday

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* You take her out to dinner: 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +10

* Okay, it's a sports bar: -10

* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -30

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -100

*Tiffany is there -1000

* You give her a gift: 0

* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10

* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +10

* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +20

* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30

* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -100

* With her credit card: -300

* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -1000

Thoughtfulness

----------------------

* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -20

* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -30

* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -100

A Night Out With Your Pals

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* You have a few beers: -10

* For every beer after three: -20 each

* And miss curfew by an hour: -100

* You get home at 3 a.m.: -200

* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -300

* And not wearing any pants: -400

* Is that a tattoo? -500

*Whose lipstick is on your collar!!!? -1000

A Night Out, Just the Two of You

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* You go see a comic: +20

* He's crude and sexist: -20

* You laugh: -50

* You laugh too much: -80

* She's not laughing: -90

* You laugh harder: -100

Driving

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* You lose the directions on a trip: -40

* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -100

* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -150

* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -200

* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -1000

Communication

----------------------

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,

displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0

* you listen, for over 30 minutes: +50

* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +100

* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -1000

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Man of the House.......?

A husband had just finished reading a book titled, "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," his wife said flatly.

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11 Nasty Office Pranks - Funny But Could Get You Fired!

1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.

2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.

3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick a blank floppy in their A drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Turn up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

6. This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction)and switch to espresso!

8. Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.

9. Pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

And finally...

11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

Have fun, but don't get caught.

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