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Guest Mikel

How to give a cat a pill

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Guest Mikel

quote:

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of

cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm

and repeat process,

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard to help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note

to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines

and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with the cat's head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow the pill

down the straw.

9. Check label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take away the taste. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave just the cat's head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compresses to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw bloody t-shirt away and fetch clean one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence

while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing's front paws to its rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table . Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Be rough

about it. Hold head down vertically and pour at least two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit and hold fingers on ice in hopes that they can

re-attach them. Ask other people in the emergency room if they want a cat.


ROFL!

[edit: Formatted for your reading pleasure]

[ 04-11-2001: Message edited by: Mikel ]

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I LOVE cats too! Wanna trade recipes?

Actually, I do like cats (though wife is alergic to them) and giving a cat a pill IS an interesting feat.

ps, never hold a cat when turning on the vaccum cleaner, unless you're into acu-puncture

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Guest Mikel

*chuckle*

No problem. I just got that from another board and decided to pass it on...

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ROTFLMAO!!!

And what do I do with the blood spill?

We have 2 cats at home, and 4 others passed by before. A friend has 3 cats, and already had 4...

Now tell me how I'm supposed to brush my cat's teeth?

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That is hillarious

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Think that's nuts...when my parents' cat got diabetes in its 14th year on this Earth, my mother gave it insulin shots every day for 6 months until it died.

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The way to brush a cat's teeth is to not give it food that need to have to brush it's food...

I have 2 cats... and loving everymoment of haveing them...

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OMG. There's tears still running down my eyes. That was a true classic.

Mike, please send me the full thing via email. Humor like this, needs to be passed around.

Damn, that was funny. I have Lisa here screaming her head off. We have two cats.

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