It is evident that you are a skilled writer. I would suggest a couple of things:
First, if you have a friend who has been in the military then consult with them on the accuracy of your character interactions.
Second, your narrative sounds like an almost carbon copy of your UC exploits with some character dialogue thrown in for good measure. In this case, a more military procedural flavor in ship operations and crew performance would help. You are also in need of a more cohesive narrative as opposed to a string of in game events on paper. Use your in game adventures as inspiration rather than rote story. I think that you will see the possibility of the story affecting your game play also. Any good story has a protagonist and antagonist. Go to areas in the game that will give you a challenge and a defined enemy. Use your creative license to build a compelling tale and your game as merely source material.
Sorry, I didn't expect this to be more than a few lines. I will say again, you are skilled with words and I will be checking back from time to time to see how this story matures.